


turning sweet love into poison

by twoorangecookies



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-01-05 00:07:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18354524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoorangecookies/pseuds/twoorangecookies
Summary: Trini never expected to meet someone like Kimberly, and she never expected to fall in love. So what happens when it all falls apart at her feet? And how does she deal with the fact that it's all her fault? What is Trini hiding?





	1. falling never hurts but landing does

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I needed to write angst. Instead of adding angst to one of my WIPs, I just decided to start a new one.  
> 2\. This part is painful. You've been warned. This whole thing will be painful really. But you know I always come through for you.  
> 3\. I love writing in 2nd person for emotional stories. Just how it is. I know not everyone loves that so I won't take it personally. BUT please give it a shot?  
> 4\. I don't know when the next update will be. I have A LOT on my plate.  
> 5\. Enjoy?
> 
> Title/Chapter from Beauty of the End by Paloma Faith

_"and I know right now you think there_  
_is no reason_  
_but you'll see_  
_please trust me_  
_nothing in life is easy"_

 

* * *

 

“I thought...we meant something.” Her voice is soft, accusing. Her face is blotched and tears have long since spilled down her cheeks. She’s staring in a way that shows anger, but with betrayal and heartache sewn in. Her shoulder-length, wavy dark hair is shaking as she shakes, and her lips are pinched tight.

 

You want to tear yourself apart piece by rotten piece.

 

“We did,” you mumble. You’re unsure if you can speak much at all without your heart leaping up your throat. As the moment is, you feel a burning in your throat and chest that tell you it may do just that. Your skin feels itchy, like you might come out of it any second, and you’re trying your damnedest to keep your own tears at bay. Your nails bite ruthlessly into your palms from the tightness of your fists. You force yourself to look at her, because it’s really the least that you can do. “...Kim,” you say, when the silence goes on for too long. Because you can’t sit and watch her cry and shake and not _do_ something.

 

“Shut up,” she hisses out.

 

“I’m s-”

 

She points a finger at you, that if it were an arrow would kill, and now she looks angrier than before. “Shut up,” she repeats.

 

You nod and look down, and that’s when your own tears come out. They’re searing on your skin, sticky and uncomfortable. You lick your dry lips. You just want this part to be over. You know you’ll never get over her, and you know the following days without her will be the worst, but if you can just get past this bit you can...you can...tread water. Tread life.

 

“I’m...really stupid,” she says. “You must think I’m so stupid.” There’s a lightness to her tone, an amazement, and when you look up her eyes are wide are staring into yours. “I thought-” a laugh, “I really thought you were proposing tonight.” And those words break your heart all over again. You feel your chin shake as you bite down on your lip. You stay quiet though. You watch her. She’s up and pacing back and forth. “I thought this was finally it! I thought you were...finally beyond everything and ready to…” Her hand comes up to her head, which she shakes, and she laughs again. “Fuck…” She sits down and looks away and you finally wipe your cheeks. She looks back. “Maybe I should’ve known that you’d never let this last. I knew when I met you. You couldn’t commit to anything. A class, a major, a relationship…” Her voice becomes cold, calculating. You know she can be mean. You know she tries not to be, but she can be. After all, she was on the night you met.

 

_“Trini! Hey, Trini!”_

 

_You turn around, the loud party raging in your ears, and you spot your friend Tommy. You nod your head once at her and walk over. She’s holding a red cup and smiling that wide smile that always gets you into trouble. “Hey Tom,” you greet, raising your beer bottle to her._

 

_“I just had the craziest idea…”_

 

_“No!” You point a finger, from the hand holding the bottle, at her. “No crazy ideas. I have two exams tomorrow.”_

 

_“What?! You haven’t even heard it yet!”_

 

_“Tommy, this party blows. Can we leave yet?” Comes the bored drawl of a pretty brunette who has suddenly appeared at your friend’s side. And by pretty you mean...devastatingly gorgeous. She doesn’t even spare you a glance._

 

_“No, Kim! You wanted to tag along,” Tommy says, turning to the other girl._

 

_Kim. The new roommate. You had heard a lot about her._

 

_“Until I realized this party blows,” Kim says. She takes a sip from her own cup and her eyes land on you. “Who are you?” She asks after swallowing._

 

_“Uh...Trini,” you say. You wipe your hand on your side and offer it to her. She looks at your hand, then at your face, and a smirk spreads on her lips._

 

_“Forget your name?”_

 

_Yes. “No.” You’re usually much better at talking to girls than this._

 

_She looks at Tommy then back at you. “Wait. Are you_ Lesbian _Trini?”_

 

_You frown and your brows pinch together. “I mean...I don’t….uh, maybe?”_

 

_“Yeahhh,” she nods, and now she looks almost excited. “You’ve slept with half of my gymnastics team.”_

 

_“Oh…” You feel your cheeks warm, and you can’t think of any excuse for yourself. You have._

 

_“Fuckin’ dog,” she goes on. You wonder if she’s about to slap you in the arm in congratulations. “I mean,_ I _don’t get it. You’re...okay on the eyes, I guess.” Hers roam up and down your body, and when you usually might have a good response, you can think of nothing. You’re just standing there, gaping. “I guess it’s your skill. I’ve heard some stories about that.”_

 

_“Okay, wait…” Tommy speaks up. “Leave Trini alone.”_

 

_“Have you two ever…?” Kim waves a finger between you and Tommy and you both gasp._

 

_“Never!” Tommy shouts._

 

_“No!” You echo._

 

_You may both play for the same team, so to speak, but never together. That would be too weird. “We’re just friends,” you assure. You shake your head and don’t really let what Kim was suggesting about you bother you. There’s a reason Tommy calls her her ‘bitch of a roommate’. Besides...you kind of are all those things Kim was trying to say. You ignore her attractiveness and focus on the attitude, and it makes it easier for you to dislike her. “But, uh, we were havin’ a conversation before you shoved your way in, so…” You wave your hand at her in a shoo-ing motion. Her eyes narrow and she glares hard._

 

_“You can’t talk to me like that.”_

 

_“Yes, she can,” Tommy says. She gives Kim’s shoulder a soft shove. “Byeeee.”_

 

_“Rude!” Kim shouts at you both, before huffing and stalking away._

 

_You only stare after her. You want her._

 

“Kim…” You say her name softly, with all the reverence you still have for her. “I am sorry.”

 

“No, you’re not,” she argues, her voice weak. You meet her eyes, and her yours, and you both stare at one another for a long beat of silence. “You wouldn’t be doing this.” Fresh tears break from her eyes, and with it another piece of your heart chips away.

 

You want to touch her. To hold her. You want to make it all go away. But you can’t. You look down. “I should get my stuff.”

 

“You still haven’t told me why,” she says. “I deserve that.”

 

She deserves everything you can possibly give her. It’s just not enough.

 

“I’ll...pack.” You nod and start to step towards the bedroom, but she lunges out and grasps one of your hands in both of her own.

 

“Trini.”

 

You look at your hands together, a painful wave of nostalgia hitting you, and you look up at her. You look at her beautiful, tear-stricken face, a face begging for answers, and you -- not for the first time in your life -- despise yourself.

 

_“Kim,” you say in a whisper. “She’ll be back soon.”_

 

_“But baby,” she whines. Her hands are around yours under the covers and she holds you there. She presses her body close and kisses the soft skin below your ear. You shudder. “One more kiss?” And who are you to deny her? You turn your head and find her mouth with your own, and you kiss her to make up for all the kisses you won’t have until you’re alone again. She returns the kiss deeply and squeezes your hand. When you pull from her lips, a soft whimper of disappointment from her, you open your eyes to hers. Hers are darker than usual and full of want and need, and god you wish you had time to fulfil all of those._

 

_“I have to get dressed,” you whisper in the space between you._

 

_“I’ll miss that sweet ass,” she whispers back, lips quirking._

 

_“Killed the moment there, babe,” you say. You start to pull away and she pulls you back for one more kiss. A slow, gentle kiss._

 

_“I’m sorry I have to be mean to you.”_

 

_“It’s okay,” you say. “I’m used to it.” You grin and get out of the bed and quickly pull your clothes on, before throwing yourself across Tommy’s bed with a book. Moments later the sound of a key in the door alerts you both, and right away Kim launches into it._

 

_“Well maybe if you weren’t such a freak who mouth-breathes I wouldn’t care that you follow Tommy around like a puppy!”_

 

_“Hey!” Tommy shouts, stepping in the door. “Why can’t I leave you two alone for one class? One class!”_

 

_“She started it,” you both intone. Your heart flutters._

 

Your heart lurches. Staring into her eyes was a mistake. She’s begging you, questioning you, and you don’t have any answers for her. None that she’ll like. You try to take your hand back, but she has a death grip on it.

 

“There has to be,” she says.

 

“There isn’t.”

 

“Go to hell!” She throws your hand back at you and steps away.

 

“I’ll...come back another time,” you say, dropping your head again. You move for the door but she jumps between it and you and blocks you.

 

“Did you ever love me?”

 

Her question is so soft, so pained, so full of doubt; you glance up quickly with narrowed eyes. “Of course I did.”

 

“When did you stop?”

 

Never.

 

“It’s not...as easy as that.”

 

“When?”

 

_“I want to tell Tommy,” you say, brushing kisses along the back of Kim’s shoulder. She presses back against you and hums._

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“Because.”_

 

_“Because why, goof?” Kim giggles. The sound lights you up inside and you grin into her neck._

 

_“Because we shouldn’t care if she knows anymore. It started that way because...it was hot and fun….but things are different now.”_

 

_“Oh are they?”_

 

_You redden, but you’re still smiling. “Aren’t they?”_

 

_“...maybe.”_

 

_“Kim, I’m serious.”_

 

_“Why now?”_

 

_“Because,” you say._

 

_“Because why?”_

 

_“Because I love you!” It comes out before you even think about saying it. You sit up quickly, panic coursing through you. She sits up too and turns to look at you. Her eyes are wide._

 

_“What?”_

 

_“....nothing.”_

 

_“That wasn’t nothing, Trini,” she says. She moves closer. “Do you...love me?”_

 

_“Maybe?”_

 

_“Maybe isn’t an answer.”_

 

_“It can be.”_

 

_“Trini!”_

 

_“Yes! I love you!” The sheets beside you are clenched in your hands and your eyes are on the wall to your side._

 

_She gets on her knees in front of you and touches your chin before turning your face to hers. You look at her. She looks at you. Then she smiles. “I love you too, Trin,” she whispers. Then she leans in and kisses you._

 

“Trini! When?!”

 

How do you answer something with an impossibility? You’re not sure you’ll ever stop loving her. You’re not sure you knew what breathing really was until you loved her. You definitely weren’t you until you loved her. Not loving her was...unfathomable. But you need to do this, and she needs to let you.

 

“When I slept with Amanda,” you say thickly.

 

The sting of her palm radiates across your cheek and through your molars. Your eyes water and you hold your face. That was about what you had expected.

 

“Get. Out,” she says through gritted teeth. You nod and pull the door open. “I wish I had never met you Trini Rodriguez!” You close your eyes and still for a moment, letting the pain from those words wash over you, and then you move into the hallway. As the door slams shut, you know that her last words to you were more painful than any slap.

 

And then you think about that. Her last words. This is really it. Those were really, most likely, her last words to you. You walk quickly to the elevator and get in, and once the doors shut you fall forward, hitting the stop button, then land on your knees; and you sob.

 

You love Kimberly Hart. You looked for a ring for Kimberly Hart. You just devastated Kimberly Hart, and in doing so you devastated yourself.

 

But you had to.


	2. in the shadow of your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little less angst in this one ;)
> 
> Chapter song is Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine

_"a falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes_   
_i screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind"_

 

 

 

* * *

 

Three Years Later

 

It’s not quite dawn, and you’re sitting on an old dock by the water. A thick fog surrounds you. There are faint traces of light in the sky and some pinks are starting to show on the horizon. It’s chilly, but you’re bundled up in your favorite hoodie with a blanket wrapped around you. Everything feels...quiet. Damp. The seagulls are starting to shout their morning protests. You’re at peace. As much peace as you manage to find anymore that is.

 

Beside you Tommy shifts and yawns. She snorts. “ _ I’m sittin’ on the dock of the bay _ …” she sings softly and off tune. You smile and shake your head.

 

“ _ Watchin’ the tide roll away _ ,” you join in, and you’re both laughing. You sing together. “ _ Sittin’ on the dock of the bay, waistin’ time _ …” Your voice breaks slightly and you fade out. 

 

She falls silent, too. Neither of you say anything for a few moments. Then she reaches out to rub your back.  “We should get back to the house,” she says. “Make some coffee, get back to unpacking.”

 

“I wanna stay a little longer,” you reply. Your voice scratches in its small, high tone. “You go.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah. I wanna see the sun come up.”

 

“I could stay with you.”

 

“Tom,” you look over your shoulder. She’s sitting inches behind you, arms wrapped around her knees. Her long, dark hair is in a braid over one shoulder and her darker eyes are on you. After all this time she knows better than to look at you in any concern. “Go,” you urge. “I can find my way back. This place isn’t that big.”

 

She aquises with a half smile. “Okay.” She leans forward and kisses the temple of your forehead. “I’ll see you later.” After pulling your blanket tighter around you she gets to her feet and walks up the dock. 

 

You listen to the sound of her boots on the old wood, the creaking and swaying of the dock, and you look forward to see some orange has joined the sky. It’s going to be a beautiful sunrise. The chilly breeze circles you and chaps your face, and while you would love a warm bed you almost enjoy the feel of it. The old you would say you deserve to be cold and unhappy. The new you just accepts it. You lay your cheek against your shoulder. Your eyes start to feel heavy after a minute, after all it’s been a long couple of days since you two arrived, and they close slowly.

 

_ She’s holding your hand above you both from where you lay in the bed and she’s pressing it against her own. You stare up at the difference and recall all the times she’s teased you about your small hands. Her head is on your shoulder and her hair is tickling your nose.  _

 

_ “It’s cute,” she says. _

 

_ “I’m not cute,” you insist for what feels like the thousandth time.  _

 

_ She laces your fingers together and lets your hands fall on top of the blankets. She tilts her head to look at you. “Yeah you are,” she insists. _

 

_ “Just because you can lift me with your legs does not mean I’m cute.” _

 

_ “I think that’s exactly what it means.” _

 

_ “I mean, it is hot,” you say, not for the first time. Her head turns and her lips are in your ear when she chuckles, and your love for her surges through you like the first time. Her arm tightens around your waist and your hand reaches out to stroke her cheek. You are so in love. You’ve never been this in love, this happy or content.  _

 

Your eyes snap open and you stare at the sky. You claw to hold on to the memory. They don’t come as often now, and sometimes you can’t tell the difference between memory or what your mind is making up. This was real though. The feel of her body pressed to yours, her breath in your ear. She was real, and she was all yours. Until you ruined it.

 

“ _ I’m sittin’ here resting my bones, and this loneliness won’t leave me alone _ ,” you whisper in song. Your cheek is on your knee and you watch until the sun is over the horizon. The docks are busy now. Most fishermen long since having sailed out into the waters, more departing still. You slowly get to your feet and feel sensation start to return to your legs. The blanket falls and you hitch it up, rewrap it around your small frame, and you turn and walk up the dock. You stop to fight the hood of the sweatshirt free from the blanket and pull the pink garment over your head. It’s a muted pink, like strawberry ice cream, and it’s warm. It has long since stopped smelling like her.

 

You walk the few blocks home, then up the faded, broken brick pathway to the door. You stare at it, also faded and weather beaten, and you reach out to try for the knob. It turns so you let yourself in and shut the door behind yourself. The old house is quiet. You pass through the empty entryway and look into the equally empty dining room. You two need to buy a table still. You go the other way and peer into the living room, and there is Tommy asleep on the couch. You step over and look at her. She’s sleeping hard, you can tell. You look at the dark circles under her eyes and decide to let her. You take the blanket from around your shoulders and lay it over her then you walk off towards the kitchen.

 

There isn’t much unpacked in there yet, but the most important thing is. The coffee maker. Priority number one. You get the coffee and fill the maker with it and some water, and you set it to brew. You walk over to a box in the empty breakfast nook of the kitchen and kneel down to open it. You see creme-white paper inside and dig in, removing a plate. You unwrap it and take it over to the cabinets and stare at them. After a moment’s deliberation you pick the one over the dishwasher and put the plate in. Then you go back for another, and another. And between your two cups of coffee you manage to unpack all of the boxes for the kitchen. You’re stuffing all of the loose paper back into the boxes when Tommy drags herself in.

 

“Whoa,” she says, standing still in the middle of the room. “You were productive.”

 

You shrug. “It’s the least I can do.”

 

“I’ve told you, you don’t owe me anything.”

 

You aren’t so sure that’s true. You owe her everything. She’s really been there for you over the last few years, and when you were at your lowest she stood by your side and helped you get...well, a little less low. Then when her father decided to buy her a house with all of his disposable income, a bribe though it was, she took it and brought you with her. She said you two could go anywhere, and you yearned to get away, so you picked the small seaside town of Angel Grove and not long later you two moved into a house. She was letting you live for free, and she still propped you up when you needed it, so how could you not feel indebted to her? She was your very best friend. 

 

You go to the coffee maker and pour a cup of coffee and you walk over to her with it. You hold it out and she reaches to take it. “I’m going to find a way to make everything up to you,” you tell her firmly. Her hands close over yours on the mug and she gives you a smile. It’s not her mischievous, disconcerting smile, but a soft one. 

 

“It’s okay,” she says. And with a nod she takes the coffee and sips it. “Damn, Tiny, did you make it strong enough?”

 

You smirk. “Nope.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next afternoon you’re walking around the front yard examining the weeds when you hear a vehicle behind you. You turn in time to see the mailman stop at your box and drop something into it, then he honks at you and drives on. You frown. You don’t know if anyone has your address yet. You walk down the drive and over to the mailbox and peer in. A few things lay in it. You reach in and pull them out and start thumbing through them. ( You miss the silver car that drives past behind you, a short-bobbed brunette at the wheel. ) It’s mostly junk mail with a couple of letters addressed to the previous residents of the house. You carry them towards the front door. You knew it couldn’t have been for you, and you’re glad. The only mail you ever seem to get is bills. 

 

You step inside the house and freeze. You’re hit with an odd sense of deja vu. You look over your shoulder at the street, but no one is there. You’re not sure why you thought someone would be. You shake out of it and take the mail into the kitchen and dump it on the counter to be dealt with later. You still can’t shake that strange feeling. You don’t know what it is, but it’s making your heart race. Not like you’ve been working out, but like...like  _ she _ used to do. Your heart never raced like that until you met her. You lean against the counter with your hip and close your eyes. 

 

_ Her hands are on your hips and they’re squeezing the flesh there as she kisses you. Her kiss is fire. It sears you. She slams you into the sink and your groan into you mouth. Your lower back stings, but not enough to stop kissing her. Your hands are encircled around her neck and slide up to cup her face, and her hips pin you into place. Your heart is pounding. It’s pounding so hard that you can hear it between your ears. You feel an aching between your legs and a tight coil turning and tightening in your stomach. Her hands move to the tie of your sweatpants and you silently urge her on. It wouldn’t be the first time you had sex in a communal bathroom, but it’s the first time you want it this badly. The first time you want anyone this badly. And if her hand moving through your slackened waistband is any judge, she wants it, too. Just minutes ago you were yelling at one another about something or the other, and you honestly don’t know who moved first, but you went from shouting to kissing to here. Her incredible gymnast body pressed against yours and her hand sliding under the band of your boxers. You spread your feet apart slightly, welcoming her, but before her lithe fingertips can touch you, she freezes. You groan. _

 

_ “Kim,” you whisper desperately. _

 

_ “....you can’t tell Tommy.” _

 

_ “What?” You barely comprehend her words to you. You’re too turned on. You can’t think about anything else. _

 

_ “Tommy,” she says again. “She can’t know. Do you swear?” _

 

_ “Why?” _

 

_ “Because….I said so. Promise.” _

 

_ “Okay! I promise!” She looks at you and you stare into her eyes, yours full of lust. Her lips turn up in a smirk, lips slightly parted, and she sinks two fingers into you, and you gasp. _

 

You suck your bottom lip between your teeth and bite down on it. You haven’t thought about your first time with her in a long time, but it never fails to make your body heat up. You take a deep breath and let it out.

 

“Tommy! Goin’ for a walk!” You shout. You walk to the counter by the doorway and pick up your Beats and settle them over your ears. You reach into your sweatshirt to adjust the uncomfortable bra straps then consider changing into another sweatshirt. But it’s  _ her _ sweatshirt. You just feel like wearing it today. So you shrug and head for the door as you take out your phone and turn on your loudest, heaviest rock. The noise hammers at your brain, but in a good way. 

 

It’s still brisk out. You flip the hood over your head and walk down the sidewalk towards town. You manage to push her out of your mind and enjoy your walk. Your hands are shoved deep in your pockets and you look around at all the houses as you pass. 

 

Maybe Angel Grove will be a good thing. You need a good thing, after all. And Tommy sure as hell deserves a good thing. You’ll probably have to find a job, but you’re not sure what. Your degree in Women’s Studies didn’t get you far after college. You kind of knew it wouldn’t, unless you wanted to teach, but you went for it anyway. Damn stubborn, you are.

 

You eventually get into the main part of town and take note of all the things around you. A supermarket, a library, and a diner. It looks like any small town diner would. Nondescript. You could go for more coffee. And hey, you’ve waited tables in the past, maybe you could do it again. You walk through the front door, the jingle alerting everyone in there, and you walk up to the front counter. A few men are sitting on the stools having their breakfast, and they all look you over. Your skin crawls. A middle-aged lady with auburn hair tied up in a bun steps over to you and gives you a welcoming smile.

 

“What can I get ya, hun?” She asks. Her voice sounds like she smokes two packs a day.

 

“Hi,” you say. “I was wondering if you might be hiring. I have waiting experience and I just moved to town. I could really use a job.”

 

“Well, I don’t know, but I could go check with the owner,” she says. “You hold tight.” She walks back through the double doors shouting, “Zack!”

 

You drum your fingers on the counter and look around. It’s a small, almost quaint  place. Probably somewhere that has lots of regulars. You like regulars. Their orders are usually quite easy.

 

“ _ Trini _ ?”

 

The voice makes you freeze, and every molecule inside of you stills. You haven’t heard that voice in three years, but you’d never forget it. Chills shoot down your back, and you feel the hair on the back of your neck stand tall. Maybe you imagined it. Yeah, maybe it’s not really there and you’re just having another bout of memories. They hit you often enough, it wouldn’t be out of the question. Even so, it feels real. It sounds real. You close your eyes and take a deep breath; anticipating disappointment, fearing the unknown. You turn around slowly, and there she is. Standing in front of you with a glare and a frown on her lips. She looks different yet the same. Older, by a little bit. Beautiful, though. Beautiful as always. Unhappy. Angry. Fire in her eyes. God, you always loved that fire in her eyes. It made you feel alive. You gulp and hold tightly to the counter still under your palm.  

 

“K-kim?” You ask.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” She snaps. She looks as angry as the day you left her.

 

“Um...job?” Is all you can say. You look her over. Her hair is a little shorter than it was three years ago. The angles on her face are harder. 

 

“What are you doing in Angel Grove?” She specifies, her arms crossing tightly over her chest. Then you know that she’s scared. You know her too well. You know her body language.

 

“I just moved here,” you manage to say.

 

“To Angel Grove?”

 

“Yes?” You frown, not understanding why this is such a big deal. You wonder what the hell she’s doing here. How this happened.

 

“You just happen to move to my hometown?”

 

“Your...hometown?”

 

Her eyes roll. “Yes, Trini. You know this is where I grew up.”

 

Did you know that? You don’t remember knowing that. You just picked a random town where you thought you could get away from everything. Away from memories, the past, all the shit you’ve been through.

 

“I...must have forgot,” you say. It doesn’t even sound convincing to you.

 

“Please tell me this is a cosmic joke.”

 

“No. I...I’m sorry. We...we just moved here, and I didn’t...realize….” You blink and shake your head. 

 

“I see,” she says, her voice tight. There’s something in her eyes that you can’t read anymore, though you desperately wish you could. God, you have missed her eyes. Dark, warm, a tendency to bare into your soul. “Well. Stay away from me.”

 

“Alright, who’s lookin’ for a job?” A man says behind you. You stare at her a moment longer and give her a single nod before turning to face him.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you hear behind you, but you try to ignore it. You can’t do it right now. You have so many questions, so many things you want to tell her, but you can’t. You need a job. 

 

You smile at him and nod. “That would be me,” you say, holding out your hand. “Trini.”

 

“Trini, nice to meet you. I’m Zack.” And he smiles and shakes your hand, and all you can think about is the woman behind you. How you somehow ended up where she is, how after three years of wondering if you’d see her around every corner, you finally did. You push those thoughts away and shake his hand. 

 

“Nice place,” you say.

  
_ Kim _ , you think.


	3. here where the sky's falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! apparently these are gonna be short chapters. sorry!
> 
> cw: sexual content
> 
> chapter song from Homesick by Dua Lipa

_ "it's a bittersweet feeling  
longing, and I'm leaving" _

 

* * *

 

“Tamsin Hazel Oliver!” 

 

You’re standing in the front entryway. Your keys are still in your hand and your jaw is set. You wait for her to appear.

 

“Whoa whoa whoa, what’s with using all the names?” Tommy comes down the stairs and stops in front of you.

 

“Did you or did you not know that this was where she grew up?” Your words seeth out of clenched teeth and you’re glaring at her. Somehow, you’ve decided, this is all her fault. You’re not ready to take any blame yet.

 

She seems to know who you mean. But then, why wouldn’t she? “...yeah?” Tommy’s brows went up. “I thought you knew, too. I kinda thought...that’s why you picked it.”

 

“So you just went with it?!”

 

“What the hell is the problem?!”

 

“She’s here! That’s the problem!” You throw your keys across the bare floor and hear them jangle against it.

 

“But...no.” Tommy takes a step forward and shakes her head. “That’s impossible. She moved to Oceanview. I know she did.” Tommy was the one who quietly kept tabs on Kim. You never wanted to know.

 

“Well ya done fucked up, cause I just ran into her.” You fold your arms across your chest. “And, no, I didn’t pick this place because of her! I forgot! At least...I thought I forgot…” You aren’t sure anymore. You thought you picked it at random. The name had jumped out at you. Maybe it wasn’t random. Maybe something in the back of your mind picked out the name that was familiar a long time ago.

 

“Okay, I get that this is a really big deal,” Tommy says carefully. “But don’t blame me.”

 

“I can’t…” You’re shaking your head and stepping backwards. Your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest. You fight to breathe normally. It’s happening again. “T-tommy…”

 

Tommy moves forward and grabs your arm. She walks you over to the stairs and sits you down. “We’re old pros at this,” she says. She squats in front of you and takes big, exaggerated breaths. You watch her lips move and try to do the same. You count slowly in your head on the inhale and again on the exhale. You keep doing it until you’re breathing regularly again. You clench your fists on your knees. You haven’t had an attack in a long time. You drop your forehead to your knees and just breathe. 

 

She’s here. She’s the fucking love of your life, and she’s here. 

 

She looked beautiful.

 

She looked...pissed.

 

You raise your head and look at your best friend who’s still crouched down and watching you in worry. You feel your brows relax. “I can’t stay here,” you say. “The whole point was to be away from her.”

 

“Where are you gonna go? I can’t leave. My dad expects me to actually live in the house he bought. I don’t want you off on your own somewhere. What if something happens?”

 

You run your fingers through your short hair. A pixie style that you weren’t sure would work for you, but that you actually like. “Nothing would happen,” you say adamantly. 

 

“You wanna split us up? After all these years?”

 

“No. But I don’t...I  _ can’t _ be here.”

 

“Trin, I get that this is hard for you, and I get that it’s not what you had planned, but it’s not the end of the world. You may never see her.”

 

“Angel Grove isn’t all that big.”

 

“Well...I don’t want you to leave. I think this move could still be good for you. You wanted something different, remember?” Tommy asks gently.

 

“Not ‘my ex-girlfriend who hates me now lives around the corner’ different,” you say.

 

“Give it a week,” she suggests. “If you still feel like you can’t make it work we’ll make a plan, okay?”

 

You think that over. A week isn’t long, but it also could be. Anything could happen in a week. But as you look at Tommy’s face you think about everything she’s done for you, everything she’s sacrificed, and you realize that now it’s your turn to do something for her. Even if it’s painful. You nod. “Okay.” You stick your hands out and she takes them and you both stand up together.

 

“A week?”

 

“One week,” you confirm. You let go of her hands and sigh. “I need to take a nap.” You’re exhausted suddenly, and all you want is to curl up in your bed and close your eyes to the world.

 

“Go take a nap,” she says. “We can talk more later.”

 

“Thank you, Tom. For everything you do.”

 

“Hey, I’ve told you, it’s no sweat. You’re my best friend.”

 

You smile and nod. “Same.” 

 

You go upstairs to your room and take off your shoes and sit on the bed.  _ Kimberly Hart _ . Love of your fucking life. 

 

_ You’re in her dorm room sitting on her bed. She’s facing the small closet wearing just gym shorts and a sports bra as she rifles through her clothes. Music is playing from her laptop and she’s shaking her hips a little and singing along, and you love hearing her sing. Her voice is heavenly in your opinion. You’re watching her and you’re smiling, because god she’s cute. And the way she can go from cute to smoldering hot in just seconds amazes you. She amazes you.  _

 

_ Including the time you were just ‘friends with benefits’ in secret, you and she have been together for eight months, and they’ve been the best eight months of your life. Not even an exaggeration. She’s smart and funny ( though you won’t give her the satisfaction when she’s making corny jokes ) and she makes you so happy. You weren’t happy before. You can admit you were a grump, and okay you still kind of are, but not like before. Before Kimberly. B.K. Now you’re With Kimberly, W.K., and you feel like an entirely different person. You look forward to every day and every chance to be with her. She’s everything to you, and you know how lucky you are. It’s not something you think you’ll ever take for granted; her love. Well, you don’t know about love. She hasn’t said it. Neither have you. But...you feel it. Yeah, you feel love for Kimberly Hart. It’s thick, all-encompassing, and it’s raw. It’s in your heart and your gut. It clenches your insides and puts air in your head. You love Kimberly Hart. It’s not something you knew when you woke up this morning, but you know it now. You love her. You’re in love with her. Who on earth could possibly blame you? You tilt your head as you watch her dance her way away from the closet, holding a top. She’s singing and looking at you and grinning, and you fucking love Kimberly Hart.  _

 

_ “I love you,” you blurt out. _

 

_ She stops, frozen, and stares at you with wide eyes. Your heart drops. Maybe she doesn’t feel it. Maybe she doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe you just fucked it all up.  _

 

_ Then she drops the top and leaps over into your lap, straddling you, and she kisses you. Softly. Delicately. She cups your face in her hands as her lips move in time with yours, and when she’s all kissed out she pulls back to look at you. There’s a softness in her eyes that you don’t see all that often, and she’s smiling. _

 

_ “I love you, too,” she whispers. Then she kisses you again, her arms sliding around your neck, and she pours all of that love into you. You feel it from the way she kisses you; intense and thick. Her hips press down against yours and she whimpers into your mouth. Your hands are on her bare back and your fingertips slide under her bra. She breaks the kiss long enough to murmur, “Show me.”  _

 

_ You don’t think twice before moving your hands more fully under her bra and tugging it over her head. She raises her arms for you then replaces them around your neck. You toss the bra aside and run your hands up and down her back. You love her skin. It’s always so soft, so smooth. You use your core strength to lift her up and set her on the bed. She spreads out on her back and you look down at her. Your eyes slowly roam to appreciate the sight before you, then you lean over her and kiss her again. Before you put all your weight on her you reach down to tug her shorts down. She helps and kicks them off. You do the same with her panties, then pull back to admire her again. _

 

_ “Beautiful,” you say softly. She bites her lip and grins then makes grabby-hands at you to come closer. You grin and oblige. You settle on top of her and kiss her deeply. You slide your hand down her side and settle it at her hip. You trail kisses across her cheek and her jaw and down her neck, and you smile at the pleased hums that she’s letting out. Her hands grasp at the bottom of your shirt and she starts to pull it up. _

 

_ “You too,” she whispers.  _

 

_ You reluctantly pull away to lean up and take off your shirt. She watches you with a cute, amused expression on her face and you shake your head. Your drop the shirt over the side of the bed before taking off your bra. Her eyes widen slightly as they always do. You know she likes your boobs a lot.  _

 

_ “Did you lock the door?” _

 

_ “...no?” She looks unsure. You get up and go to the door and turn the small lock. You walk back to her and stop before the bed to take off your shoes, socks, and jeans. She watches your every move. You struggle out of your boxers while trying to hop back onto the bed and stumble a little. She laughs. You give her a look and settle back in where you were. “I missed you,” she says, pulling you close. _

 

_ “I was gone for literally thirty seconds,” you tell her. _

 

_ “Mm, still missed you.” Her hands slide down to cup your ass and give it a squeeze. Yeah, she likes that, too. ( But not as much. ) You shake your head and lean down to kiss the edge of her lips. “Hi,” you say. _

 

_ “Hi.” _

 

_ You lean your weight on your arm and look at her while slowly trailing your hand over her collarbone and down between her breasts. Your fingers run along the bottom curve of one before slipping back up to her nipple, which you roll between two fingers. She gasps and leans her head back, and you keep watching her. You lean down, eyes aimed up at her, and flick the tip of your tongue around the nipple. She hums happily as her hips roll up, but you push them back down with your own. _

 

_ “Trini...wait…” She gasps.  _

 

_ You close your lips around it and suck softly. “Hm?” _

 

_ A soft moan from her lips. “I...want you first.” _

 

_ “Really?” Usually she’s all too happy to let you have your way with her first. You pull up. “Are you sure?” _

 

_ “Mhmm.” She nods and starts to sit up. Her face is right in front of yours. “I should reward you for telling me what you did.” _

 

_ “What?” You tease. “That I love you?” _

 

_ Her eyes close and she smiles. “Yeah. That.” _

 

_ “Reward me, then.” _

 

_ She shifts over on the bed and you take her place. She throws a knee over your hip and sits on you. You fold an arm behind your head and stare at her with an amused expression on your face. You love when she takes over. _

 

_ Kimberly leans down and runs her hands down both of your sides and presses a kiss onto your stomach. You feel your muscles twitch in anticipation. Her nose brushes up your abs and she kisses your ribs. Your heart flutters. She trails kisses up between your breasts and along the rise of your breasts. Her hands are splayed on your stomach and her nails bite into your skin when her kisses wash over your full breast. Your eyes close and you sigh. You know she’ll be there for awhile; it’s her second favorite part.  _

 

_ She kisses and nips your breasts, all around them, and avoids your nipples. The heat is starting between your legs, and you feel yourself losing patience. Just when you’re ready to say something she takes a nipple into her warm mouth and runs her tongue against it. You whimper ( you will never admit that you whimper ) and try to relax. Her teeth skim over the nipple and your hips jerk. You can feel her smile against your skin.  _

 

_ “Kim,” you whisper. _

 

_ She switches nipples. The same sweet torture. Her hand moves to your other breast and she squeezes genly and pinches your nipple between two fingers. You whimper again. It all feels so good, and most of that good feeling is settling between your legs.  _

 

_ “Kim,” you beg. _

 

_ She whines sharply. “Not done,” she murmurs around your breast. God, you know she loves them, but you need more. _

 

_ “This about you or me?” You ask. _

 

_ “...you,” she says, after thinking about it. She pushes herself up and leans close to kiss you. You kiss her back, weaving your fingers in her short hair, and you prop your legs up and brace her hips between them. You lift your hips up against her and she presses hers down to yours. It’s close, but not close enough. _

 

_ “Touch me,” you whisper. _

 

_ “Already?” She nips at your lips. Her hand slides down your arm to lock your fingers together. _

 

_ “I’m always ready for you,” you admit. _

 

_ She grins. “Okay, baby.” She lets go of your hand and runs it down your hip and around between your legs. “Tell me again?” _

 

_ “I love you,” you say thickly, her fingers running through you. _

 

_ “God, I love you, too,” she says, sinking into you. _

 

You’re laying on your back, staring at the ceiling, and you’re wishing that weren’t a memory you’re having right now. One hand wipes the tears in your eyes and the other hovers at the waistband of your pants. You want to relieve some tension, but you don’t want to be a creep. You can’t do that and think about her anymore. You get up and walk into the attached bathroom and start shedding your clothes. You pause once they’re all on the floor and stare at yourself in the mirror. You’ve never quite liked mirrors. Never really liked yourself enough to look. But after everything...you hate it more. Looking at yourself. Facing who you are. You close your eyes and turn from the mirror to go to the shower, and you turn on the cold water and step inside. 

 

As the water washes over you you start to feel how tired you are. It’s early still, but so far the day has had enough emotion for you. You just don’t have the energy. 

 

Your tears are warm against the cold water as they fall down your cheeks.

  
  



	4. this isn't how i remember us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: for sexual content
> 
> song title is The Way It Was by the Backstreet Boys

_"it's never gonna be the way it was_  
_and it's so crazy, what you do_  
_what you do to me, oh yeah_  
_this isn't how I remember us_  
_it's never gonna be the way it was"_

* * *

 

You survived a week. You couldn’t leave Tommy after that, after everything, so you went back to talk to Zack and he offered you a job. You’ve been working at the Chess Diner for three weeks now, and for three weeks you’ve managed to not see Kim. Not since that one day. But today is another day, and she walked in five minutes ago and sat in your section. You tried to get Gia to switch with you, but she wouldn’t. So now you’re standing by the counter with a menu just staring at her.

 

‘Okay, Trini, you can do this. Face your fucking consequences,’ you tell yourself. You take a breath and slowly walk over to the booth by the window where Kim is sitting and looking at her phone.

 

“Can I get you a drink?” You ask in a small voice.

 

She doesn’t even look up from the phone. “One glass of ‘my ex-girlfriend is an evil bitch’ with ice please. And a lemon.”

 

You steel your jaw and place the menu down. “Anything else?”

 

“Uhhh...do you have any ‘how dare you sleep with my best friend?”

 

“I can see you need a minute,” you say lowly. “I’ll come back.” You turn to walk away and hear her call out behind you.

 

“And don’t forget the ‘the sex was lousy anyway’!”

 

You cheeks heat up and you quickly go around the corner to the kitchen and hide by the doors. You drop your face in your hands and groan. You wouldn’t expect any less from Kimberly, but that didn’t make it fun. You stand there a minute longer to compose yourself then lean into the kitchen. “Hey Rocky, can I get a cheeseburger with bacon and catsup, extra fries, and a chocolate shake?”

 

“You got it, Trini.”

 

You pull from the kitchen and go to your other tables. You avoid Kim and her stare, but you feel it on your back in every move you make. After a bit you hear;

 

“Order up, Trini!”

 

You go and get the food and shake and put them on a tray and you carry them over to Kim’s table. You set down the plate of burger and fries. “Your ‘at least I’m not a selfish bitch’, your ‘you don’t know the first thing about me anymore’,” you say cooly. You put the shake in front of her. “And your favorite; a-” You lean down and lower your voice, ‘I made you come every time, sometimes multiple times, and we both know that you would beg for it’. Enjoy.” Then you pull back and walk away. You want to look over your shoulder to see her reaction, but you don’t. You won’t give her the satisfaction.

 

As you continue working you feel a little guilty, because you know you’re the one that hurt her, but the stubborn side of you couldn’t help but get her back. You do glance her way a couple of times and you see her eating her meal. You smirk. You didn’t forget what she likes. After you’ve taken care of a couple of tables you see her raise a hand to get your attention so you walk back over.

 

“Can I get you anything else?” You ask, boredly.

 

“Yeah,” she said, angling in her seat to face you. “Where do you get the right? _You_ cheated on _me_ . _You_ dumped _me_.”

 

“I can’t do this right now,” you say. You don’t want to do it at all. You slip the check onto the table. “Don’t come back.”

 

“I want answers,” she says.

 

“I don’t have any for you,” you reply. “Yeah, I broke up with you. So it’s over.”

 

“I still want to know why.”

 

“Why what?”

 

She stares at you a minute before smiling sadly. “Why you lied to me about sleeping with Amanda.”

 

Your heartbeat speeds up and you glance around then back at her. “I didn’t lie. It happened.”

 

“No...it didn’t.” She takes out her wallet and puts some cash on the table, then gets up and pushes past you. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you felt you had to lie like that just to end things with me.”

 

You gulp. You don’t know what to say. Do you try to continue the charade or do you tell her the truth? Your roll your lips into your mouth and shake your head. “It doesn’t matter. I didn’t want to be with you anymore. Now we should just avoid each other.”

 

She stares you down for a moment then shakes her head. “You’re pathetic,” she says quietly.

 

“Goodbye, Kimberly,” you say. You take the money and put it in your apron then turn and walk away. You get to the register and put the money in, and when you look up she’s gone. Good.

 

You float through the next few hours of work then go home. When you get there Tommy is on the floor in the living room putting DVDs into the entertainment cabinet. She looks up.

 

“Did you know we have two copies of _Pacific Rim_?”

 

“It’s a good movie,” you say, lifting a shoulder. You plop down on the couch and lean your head back. “Kim came into the diner today.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah. We exchanged some words. She knows I was lying about Amanda.”

 

“And did you tell her why?”

 

“No. That doesn’t matter.”

 

“How does it not matter?”

 

“It just doesn’t,” you say. “Maybe I should find another job. I can’t deal with seeing her again.”

 

“She looked good?”

 

“Gorgeous,” you breathe out. “Just like I remembered her.”

 

“I’m sorry, T.”

 

“Thanks, T,” you smirk softly. You run your fingers through your hair, a calming habit you’ve picked up ever since it got shorter, and you let out a long sigh. “I need a drink.”

 

“Can I interest you in a movie instead?”

 

“Sure,” you say. You grab the blanket off the side of the couch and throw it over yourself. “How about _Pacific Rim_?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been two months since you moved, and you haven’t seen Kimberly again. You’re glad, but you’re also disappointed. You look for her everywhere you go. Constantly checking over your shoulder for her face. She’s never there. You wonder what she’s doing, where she’s working, and how she is. You think about her nonstop, and your head is filled with memories of you and her together. You want it all to stop.

 

You end your phone call and scratch at your chest absentmindedly as you walk into the kitchen. Tommy is at the stove and there are good smells coming off of it. You peer around her shoulder to see what she’s making.

 

“Have a date yet?” She asks, over the sound of sizzling.

 

“No,” you answer. “What’s that?”

 

“Stir-fry,” she says. “When will you know?”

 

“I don’t know.” You pull back and turn to get a bottle of water from the fridge. “Zack might come over later.”

 

“Okay. We’ll save him some food. I know that boy can eat.”

 

“Yeah he can.” You open the bottle and drink from it. “You think I should find her and talk to her?”

 

“Babe, I’ve been telling you to talk to her for three years,” Tommy says. She points her spatula at you. “But you’re stubborn.”

 

“What’s new?” You snort.

 

“You’re both stubborn. I don’t know how you didn’t fight more.”

 

“We argued a lot,” you tell her. “About stupid shit.”

 

“And then had fabulous make up sex?”

 

You grin. “You know it.”

 

She shakes her head. “I still can’t believe you spent three months fucking before you told me.”

 

“Uh, we didn’t tell you,” you say. “You walked in on us.”

 

“Yeah, I try not to remember that.”

 

_“Fuck, Trini, more,” she cries softly. Your face is between her legs and one of them is slung over your shoulder. You pull back from savoring her and press two fingers into her. She groans out and you lean back in, licking and sucking, and she’s making high panting noises that are driving you insane. She’s all around you; her scent consuming you._

 

_“Yo, loser, let’s go-” You hear Tommy’s voice behind you and freeze. She stops talking. “What the...fuck?!”_

 

_“Out!” Kim shouts._

 

_“Oh my god!” You hear behind you before the door slams shut. You start to pull away._

 

_“Finish first!” Kim yells at you._

 

_“Are you kidding me?!” You wipe your mouth as you sit up._

 

_She leans up on both arms and glares at you. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you to finish what you started?”_

 

_“Yeah, but she also told me not to play with my food,” you say. You get up and start pulling on your clothes. “I have to talk to Tommy.”_

 

_“Fuck. Tommy.” She flops back. “She’s gonna be pissed.”_

 

_“She can’t tell us what to do,” you say, buttoning your jeans._

 

_“She told me not to mess with you,” Kim reminds you._

 

_“I’m a big girl. And you’re not gonna hurt me.”_

 

_“You know she feels she has to protect you,” Kim says, pulling herself from the bed and finding her clothes._

 

_“From what?” You ask. You put on your bra and pull your shirt over your head._

 

_“So sad to see you go,” she says, staring at your chest._

 

_You roll your eyes. “Kimberly, focus.”_

 

_Her eyes move up to meet yours and she gives you self-deprecating smirk. “From the bitch.”_

 

_“The only way you could hurt me is if I have feelings for you, and I don’t,” you assure her._

 

_“And I don’t have feelings for you,” she says._

 

_“So we’re just having harmless fun. She can’t be mad about that.”_

 

_“She can be mad we’ve been doing it behind her back,” Kim reminds you._

 

_You’re both dressed by now. You glance over at Tommy’s bed then back at Kim. “Let me deal with her, okay?”_

 

_“Okay,” she shrugs. She walks up to you and throws an arm around your shoulder before leaning down to kiss you. You close your eyes and kiss her back, a deep and desireful kiss. Her hands start to roam towards your chest and you pull away. “Loser,” she says, though there’s a smile on her face._

 

_“Bitch,” you reply._

 

_“Good luck.”_

 

_“Thanks,” you sigh. You run your fingers through your long hair to tame it then walk to the door and pull it open. Tommy is standing in the hallway and when she looks at you you see that she’s seething. “Hey,” you greet her. You close the door and step into the hallway._

 

_“How long?” She asks._

 

_“...awhile,” you say._

 

_“How long?” She asks again._

 

_You think for a moment. “Three months.”_

 

_She shakes her head. She’s quiet for a bit and you wait, watching her. “Three months and you didn’t tell me?” She’s staring you down, and a mad Tommy is intimidating. You step back against the door._

 

_“I was gonna...but Kim didn’t want to. She said you forbid her from going after me. Which...is really dumb, T. I can take care of myself. I’m not some weak, pathetic-”_

 

_“It’s because she’s messed up and only messes up the people she’s with,” Tommy says. “I’ve seen it happen.”_

 

_“She’s not messed up.”_

 

_“Are you into her?”_

 

_“What? No. It’s just sex. I am capable of having fun without feelings.”_

 

_“I know.”_

 

_“So no, I’m not into her,” you say. You’re offended that Tommy seems to think you’re a naive little girl who doesn’t know the difference between fun and feelings._

 

_“Do you promise?”_

 

_“I swear,” you say. You move forward again. “She’s not my type, anyway.”_

 

_“Oh, she’s exactly your type.”_

 

_“Tom, you don’t have to worry. It probably won’t last much longer anyway.”_

 

_She crosses her arms and stares at you in a way that says she doesn’t believe you, but she lets it go. “Okay.”_

 

_“We’re good?”_

 

_“We’re good. I need to have a talk with her, though.”_

 

_“Go easy on her.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“Because I need to get laid,” you answer._

 

“You do have a nice ass, by the way,” Tommy says with a grin.

 

“Oh, shut up.”

 

* * *

 

 

That night you go to bed with Kimberly on your mind. What’s new? But since you saw her again for the first time she’s been ever the more present. Then after today she’s all you can think about. You’re remembering meeting her for the first time again. You’re thinking about how you two would always bicker when you were around each other, and how it felt thrilling to do so. Sexually charged moments that you didn’t recognize. Then meeting her in that bathroom, arguing again until you got closer and closer, and then her grabbing you and kissing you, and you realizing how much you had wanted it. Her fingers working wonders inside of you while she bit and sucked on your neck, leaving bruises for days.

 

You smile softly. Your Kimberly always did everything to the extreme, and it was one of the things you loved about her. She never took no for an answer. It became more of a challenge than anything else. She was passionate and intense in all the best ways. God, you loved her. You still love her. You haven’t dated since her. You have barely looked at any other woman. You know that Kimberly is the only one for you, but you also know that the two of you are beyond repair. She hates you, and she should. You broke her heart.

 

The doorbell rings. With a frown you throw the blankets off of yourself and get up. In just your boxers and an old tee shirt you pad out to the front of the house. Tommy is there too, and she looks bleary, as though she’d actually managed to sleep some.

 

“Who is it?” You ask.

 

“Dunno,” she says. “It’s late.”

 

It rings again. Three times. You look at each other.

 

“Are there axe murderers in Angel Grove?” Tommy asks you.

 

You shrug and go to the door. She keeps close to your back. You turn the porch light on and peer out the peephole of the front door, and you see...Kimberly. She’s poised the ring the bell again. You roll your eyes. “Go back to bed,” you tell Tommy. “I’ve got this.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah.” She shrugs and turns to walk back to her room and you take a deep breath before opening the door. “Kim, what are you doing here?”

 

She stills as she looks you over, and she doesn’t speak for a moment. Then her eyes dart up and she stares at you. “I wanna talk,” she says.

 

“How’d you know where I live?”

 

“Not hard to figure out where two women moved in together recently. I mean, I didn’t realize...you were here with someone.”

 

She looks uncertain, and for a moment you want to play it up, but you decide not to. “It’s Tommy,” you tell her. “I moved here with Tommy.”

 

“Oh.” She nods. “How is she?”

 

“Kim.”

 

“I want to talk,” she says again.

 

And while it’s the last thing that you want to do you also want to be around her again. So you open the door wider and invite her in, and as she moves through the doorway you wonder just how this is going to go. What are you going to say? Will it be the truth? Can you even bring yourself to tell her the truth? You suppose you just have to hear what she has to say.

 

You lead the way into the living room and flip the lightswitch on. You stand in the middle of the room, arms crossed, and you watch her. She enters almost hesitantly, and you know she’s not a hesitant person. She stands in the open doorway and looks around the room for awhile before settling her eyes on you. She’s quiet. Staring at you. You stare back. After a bit her gaze drops to her feet and she clears her throat.

 

“Trini...I-”

  



	5. a breath between us could be miles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of my trash
> 
> title is I Love You by Sarah McLachlan

_"and I forgot to tell you_   
_i love you_   
_and the night's too long_   
_and cold here_   
_without you_   
_i grieve in my condition_   
_for i cannot find the words to say_   
_i need you so"_

* * *

 

_"Trini...I-”_

 

You wait, but she doesn’t say any more so you look up. She’s staring at you. You find you’re still a victim to her gaze. Her brown eyes lull you in every time. How many moments have you spent staring into those eyes? How long have you prayed you’d see them again? You used to dream about them -- about gazing into them again. Her eyes, and her lips, god how many dreams had you had about those lips? About kissing them again and feeling them on your skin. Even on your worst days, especially on your worst days, you thought about those eyes and lips.

 

You lick your own lips. “You what?”

 

Kim plays with her fingers in front of her waist and opens her mouth again, pauses before, “I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to hate you, I’ve tried to _stop_ hating you...but in the end...I still just want to know why. I think that’s why I can’t get passed this.” Her hands still and she has an inquiring gaze on you. “Do you know what it feels like to not know why something so...happy ended so abruptly? Ended at all?”

 

You’re terrified under her scrutinous stare. She might see right through you. She always could. You look down and run your fingers through your hair. “No,” you admit.

 

“I hate your hair, by the way,” she tells you casually. You feel self-conscious and take your hand away from it. “Sorry. I...I don’t know what I’m doing here,” she half laughs. “You’re not going to give me any answers.” She shakes her head and starts to leave the room, but you catch her arm.

 

“I know what it’s like to not get over the best thing that ever happened to you.”

 

“Then why?” Her voice breaks between those words, and your heart follows.

 

“I don’t want you to see me like that,” your voice comes out small. You _feel_ small.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Kim,” you beg. Because even if you wanted to you’re not sure the words would actually leave your lips.

 

She peels your fingers from your arm and watches the floor again. “Do you remember when we used to talk about Callie?”

 

Your lips twitch up. You haven’t thought about Callie in a long time. “Yeah,” you say quietly. “I remember.”

 

_You’re laying naked beneath the sheets with Kimberly. She’s curled up to your side with her head on your shoulder. She traces little patterns into the skin of your chest and it sends chills down your spine and legs._

 

_“Trini? Baby?”_

 

_“Yeah?”_

 

_“When we have our own place, can we get a little kitten?”_

 

_“Who’s gonna take care of it?” You ask, knowingly._

 

_“I will,” she says, a pout in her voice._

 

_“You mean I will,” you correct._

 

_She leans in and bites the skin of your collarbone lightly. “Shush.”_

 

_You smile and run your fingers through her hair. “A kitten?”_

 

_“Mhmm. A little black kitten named Callie.”_

 

_“You already picked out a name.” You smile, utterly happy in the moment. You don’t think you could be any happier._

 

_“She’ll be there to snuggle with us when we come home, and demand we feed her.”_

 

_You laugh. “She might hate us.”_

 

_“No, she won’t. She’ll love us. And we’ll love her.”_

 

_“Callie,” you say, trying the name on your tongue. “I think that’d be cool.”_

 

_“Our baby.”_

 

_You gulp. You suddenly feel like Callie will be a precursor to a real baby. Do you want a real baby? You never have before. You’ve never really thought you’d be a good mom. Your own mom isn’t exactly the best role model for good parenting. But you feel the weight of Kimberly against you, her breath on your skin, and you think that maybe, just maybe, the two of you could do it together._

 

“I found her,” Kim says, bringing you back to the moment.

 

“What?”

 

“I went to the animal shelter after I moved here, I wanted some company, you know? And there she was. A little black kitten named Callie. I almost passed her up, because it was so painful, but I couldn’t. So I took her home. The next day I saw you. She’s like...my little sign.”

 

You stare at her, shocked by the whole thing. The two of you talked about Callie a lot. When she still didn’t exist. She was like the encompassment of your happy future together. You fell in love with her, even though she wasn’t real.

 

“What’s she like?” You ask.

 

“Sweet. Playful. Really cute,” Kim answers with a little smile.

 

“Why are you telling me?”

 

“Because I thought you should know.”

 

“Why would you get her if you hate me?”

 

Kim thinks about that, looks around the room while she does, and she lifts her shoulders. “Because I couldn’t abandon her.”

 

You feel like that is a swing at you. “Why tell me?”

 

“Because I want you to remember what we had.”

 

“I remember just fine.”

 

“Why did you lie to me about Amanda?”

 

“I knew you wouldn’t accept me leaving unless I did something really bad,” you explain. You still aren’t proud of yourself for lying in that way.

 

“You ruined my friendship with her.”

 

“She wasn’t that great of a friend to you.”

 

“Was it something I did?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then what? Why did you leave me?” Her voice is raw and desperate, and it kills you inside. You want to reach out and touch her, hold her, but you know that you can’t.

 

Do you tell her the truth? Do you lie again? She’s looking at you and her eyes are begging for the truth.

 

You feel rotten again. As rotten as the day you made it all fall apart. You take a step back and straighten yourself. “I needed more,” you say. You don’t know why you would still rather she hate you than know the truth, but you would. She would never look at you the same again if she knew the truth. Sure, you had longed for her in those days, you had days of euphoria where you wanted nothing more than to let it all go and get her back, but you knew she'd never take you. 

 

Her eyes glaze over and her lips set in a straight line. You can tell she doesn’t believe your words. “You’re a coward,” she says. And it’s true. You are.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No argument here.” She turns and walks out of the room and towards the front door, and you follow her. She stops at the door and turns to you. “I don’t think you’re the person I thought you were when I fell in love with you.”

 

You don’t know how to respond to that so you stay quiet. She stares at you, waiting for a response, and when she gets none she sighs and opens the door.

 

“I’ve hated you for three years,” she says, with her back to you. “But I’ve never gotten over you.” Then she walks out the door and slams it shut behind herself.

 

You ache. You burn. You’re on fire like a witch in Salem, and there’s no one there to put you out. Your teeth clench and your fist raises to your head to beat against your forehead. You let out a soft, keening sound. You’re surrounded by her scent and it’s choking you. Overwhelming you. Something about the slamming of the door sent a large whiff of it your way, and you can’t breathe. In fact, you feel queasy. Your mouth opens and you gag a couple of times before rushing to the bathroom. You fall to your knees in front of the toilet, painfully, and open the lid. You start to dry heave over it. You wait for your stomach to empty, but apparently it doesn’t want to. But you can’t stop heaving. It hurts. Hot tears spring from your eyes. You try to stop, but it keeps going. You want to shout out for Tommy, but you can’t stop long enough.

 

Suddenly, you do stop. You lean back and sit on the floor with your back to the wall and you try to catch your breath. You wipe the sweat from your brow and close your eyes. That hasn’t happened in awhile, you think. You sit there awhile longer before you get up and rinse your face in the sink. Then you go to the front door and lock it, and you lean your forehead to it.

 

You love her. You still love her so much. How are you supposed to stop? How long have you been trying to stop? You turn to lean your back to the door and you stare blankly into the front hallway. She was there. She came to you. She came for answers, to tell you she hates you, but she came. That means something, doesn’t it? You rub your face with both hands. You can’t think like that. You’re not going to see her again.

 

You walk up the stairs to your bedroom and shut the door. You’ll deal with Tommy’s hounding questions in the morning. You’re too exhausted. Physically, emotionally; you’re drained. You tug your shirt over your head and toss it aside. You push down your jeans and step out of them. You unclasp your bra from behind your back and take the heavy item off. You set it gently on top of a pile of laundry then look in the mirror on the back of the door. You stare at your flat chest and the scars on it, and you feel yourself start to shake. You grab a shirt and yank it on, eyes closed. You can’t look long. You reach back to tug your hair from the back of the shirt before you realize that you don’t have long hair anymore.

 

You want to scream. Instead you kick your shoes as hard as you can. They sail against the wall with a thump and you stand there watching them. You feel marginally better. But not really. You turn off the light and fall onto your bed. You lay on your back and look into the darkness, and you wonder if you’ll ever have someone to hold you through it again. If you’ll ever let yourself. But...could you be with anyone that isn’t Kimberly? You’ve questioned that before, and while you want to say maybe, a part of you screams no. How could you be with anyone when you’d constantly be comparing them to the love of your life? How could you give your love, the love owed to Kimberly, to a single person that isn’t her?

 

Turning on your side, you tuck a hand under your head, and you begin to silently cry. A skill you’ve mastered living with Tommy. You cry, sniffling and hiccuping, and you cry until you fall asleep. Where you dream of Kimberly, and not breaking her heart, and looking like you used to. Your perfect world.

 

* * *

 

 

You spend the next couple of weeks working yourself to exhaustion. Tommy is outwardly worried about you, but you would rather work and keep your mind busy. You get to know Zack better and think he’s a pretty okay guy. He and Tommy hit it off and he’s over all the time. He’s a good boss. He must sense something is up with you because he has you get off your feet multiple times a day. He doesn’t pry though, and that’s maybe what you like best about him.

 

You don’t see Kim. You’re grateful, but you also look over your shoulder whenever someone walks into the diner. It’s silly. It’s never her.

 

Until one day, it is.

 

She sits in your section, you’re cordial to one another, and she orders her cheeseburger, fries, and shake. You don’t stick around long enough for a conversation, and she eats her meal and leaves.

 

The next day it’s the same.

 

And the day after that.

 

And the day after that.

 

And the day after that.

 

Now, it’s been a week and a half and she has come in every day for her dinner. You don’t speak. There’s a rhythm to it. A routine. You don’t even make eye contact.

 

Then one day, the smell of the food is getting to you. No, the grease. It’s making you nauseous. You’ve been fighting it all day. You don’t want to leave. You need the money, you need the tips; too many bills that need to be paid. So you power through it. Then she comes in. You bring her her food. The smell of the grease from her cheeseburger floats up your nose and it suddenly smells like cafeteria food, and your stomach heaves. The memories, you realize, trigger your senses, and you gag. Then you feel the acid in your stomach rise. You quickly cover your mouth and make a beeline for the restroom. You don’t have time to lock the door, and you fall to your knees and lift the lid just in time to vomit into the bowl. It keeps coming, almost never ending, and your eyes water. Then someone is behind you, rubbing your back, trying to calm you with soothing words. You stop. You take a moment to catch your breath, feeling gross and embarrassed, and you reach for some toilet paper, but a hand is extended to you with some already ready.

 

You take it and look up, and it’s Kim. You should have known. You say nothing as you wipe your face and flush the toilet. She helps you up, but you push her away. (Oh, isn’t that always the case?)

 

She stumbles slightly and looks at you in surprise. “I was...trying to help.”

 

“Why?” You ask, your voice raspy. But your heart pounds. She’s so kind. For all the people who thought she was a bitch in college and never actually knew her; they’d be surprised. But she is kind. A kindness you don’t need nor want. “You hate me, remember? Why have you even been coming in here?”

 

“I don’t know.” She slides her hands into her back pockets. “I guess...I wanted to see you.”

 

You go to the sink and you scoop up some water to rinse out your mouth, and you spit it into the sink. You look at her through the mirror. “Glad you saw this?”

 

“No,” she says. “Of course not.”

 

Your eyes fall as you wash your hands. She’s confusing you. Does she hate you? Does she not? Why is she here? So many questions that you can’t bother to ask. She doesn’t know...well you don’t either. You don’t know why she’s back in Angel Grove, or why she came to your house, or why she’s been in the diner for the last week and a half. You know her. You know she has something on her mind. That she’s up to something. You just don’t know what.

 

You turn off the water and turn to get a paper towel, but she’s already holding one out to you. You meet her eyes, hesitantly, and take it. You continue staring into her eyes as you dry your hands and she doesn’t look away or blink. Your heart hammers in your chest. Words are on the tip of your tongue, questions, but they don’t come out.

 

“Trin?”

 

You gulp and break the eye contact to throw the towel away. “Yeah?”

 

“What’s going on with you?”

 

How in the hell do you answer that?


	6. come all ye lost, dive into moss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chap song is I Remember by Damien Rice

_"come all ye reborn_  
_blow off my horn_  
_i'm driving real hard_  
_this is love, this is porn_  
_god will forgive me_  
_but i, i whip myself with scorn, scorn"_

* * *

 

_You’re sitting up in Kim’s bed. She’s taking a nap with her head in your lap and you’re absentmindedly stroking your fingers through her hair. You're off in a daze but also committing it all to your memory. Her soft, brown hair, the ways she snores lightly, the scent of her perfume...the way you feel so...whole._

 

_Your phone rings at your side and you quickly answer it so that it doesn’t wake her. It’s a local number that you don’t recognize, and your anxiety spikes. “Hello?”_

 

_“Trini Rodriguez?”_

 

_“Yes,” you whisper._

 

_“Ms. Rodriguez, your results have come in. The doctor would like you to come in soon and discuss them. Can we schedule something?”_

 

_“Y-yes, I can come in whenever.”_

 

_“How’s tomorrow at 9am?”_

 

_So soon. Your heart pounds. “Okay.”_

 

_“Okay, I’ve got you scheduled. We would like to suggest you bring a loved one with you.”_

 

_And at those words, you know. “Okay,” you say again._

 

_“We’ll see you tomorrow.”_

 

_You nod, even though the woman on the line can’t see you. You end the call and drop your phone to your side. You look down at Kim, still sleeping soundly, and you feel tears well up in your eyes. You love her so much. You’re ready to propose and start your adult lives together. You’re ready to spend the rest of your days with her._

 

_The rest of your days…_

 

“What’s going on with you?”

 

How in the hell do you answer that?

 

You shake your head and move towards the door. “Kim. Not now.”

 

She gets to the door first and stretches an arm across it. “Yes, now. You’re worrying me.”

 

“I’m just going through some stuff, and having you suddenly around all the time isn’t helping,” you say, not meaning to sound cruel. You see her wince slightly.

 

“You’re the one that showed up in _my_ town and settled in,” she says. “I was doing just fine until you showed up.”

 

“And what are _you_ doing here? If I remember correctly, you said you’d never come back here in a million years.”

 

She sets her jaw and stares you down. “My dad died. My mom needed company.”

 

“...I’m sorry,” you say. And you are. You know that Kim worshiped her dad, even if he didn’t give her the affection or attention she needed from him.

 

“That doesn’t matter right now,” Kim says tightly. “Tell me what’s wrong.” A gentle plea that hits your guilty heart.

 

You take a step and try to reach for the door knob, but she pushes your hand away. “I can’t tell you.”

 

“I deserve to know,” she says with a sharp voice.

 

“You don’t deserve to know anything.” You know you’re stubborn, but god, so is she.

 

“You shattered my heart and my future!” She shouts. “All I want to know is why you were in here puking!”

 

“Let me out,” you say lowly, moving closer. She glares at you, jaw set.

 

“No.”

 

“Kimberly Ann Hart, _move_.” You get a hand on the knob past hers and hold it tight. You stand your shorter ground.

 

“ _Trinity_ ,” she replies. She knows you hate your full first name. You’re inches from her, eyes connected and set in twin glares, and neither of you seem to be backing down.

 

And then, against your will, a fiery desire crops up in you. You begin to feel things you haven’t felt in years, and you’re feeling them for her. Who else would you ever feel them for since the moment she kissed you?

 

It brings an immediate panic up in you. You take a step back and try to breathe, but find it difficult. You gasp and hold your now pounding heart. Kim launches off the door and closer to you.

 

“Trini?”

 

You shake your head and close your eyes. You imagine Tommy there with you telling you to breathe with her. You focus on that, you breathe in and out, you count. You do all the things you do with Tommy and slowly feel yourself start to calm. Still breathing a little deeply you open your eyes and look at hers. They’re wide in worry and maybe a bit of fear.

 

“I’m fine,” you say. You’re not.

 

“No you aren’t.”

 

“I need to go,” you tell her. “Please. Maybe...maybe we can talk another time.” You don’t know if you mean it or not, but if it’ll get you out that door then you are fine with saying it.

 

She stares at you. You can see her considering it. Finally she steps aside. “Go.” You don’t hesitate. You go for the door and pull it open. Her voice makes you freeze for a moment. “I still need to know why you left me. If you think I’m going to give up then you don’t know me anymore.”

 

You breathe deeply before continuing out the door and racing into the kitchen to find Zack. You need to get out of there. He’s happy to let you go, and you slip out the back door. You get into your car and start driving home, and you ask yourself if you’ll really tell her. Can you? You’ve thought about it a million times, played it out in your head, and never once did you imagine it going well.

 

_You’re sitting in the passenger seat of Tommy’s car in the parking lot of the hospital. The two of you have been sitting silently for some time. Finally, she speaks up._

 

_“You need to talk to Kim.”_

 

_“I can’t,” you answer, with little emotion in your voice._

 

_“Why not?”_

 

_“Everything’s gonna be different.”_

 

_“Yeah, it is.”_

 

_“I’m not ready.”_

 

_“She can help you.”_

 

_“She can’t know.” Your words are more firm now. You don’t avert your gaze from the window, staring at the red Audi beside you. You wonder who drives it, and what they’re doing at the hospital; if they’re having as terrible a day as you are. “I’m not telling her.”_

 

_“You can’t not tell her. She’s going to find out.”_

 

_“I’m not telling her,” you repeat, adamant._

 

_“And how do  you plan on making that work?”_   
  


_ “I have to break up with her.” _

 

You get home and toss your keys aside and walk into the living room. Tommy’s on the couch watching a movie, and she pauses it when she sees you.

 

“You’re home early,” she says.

 

“Something happened.”

 

“What?” She sits up straighter and looks at you in concern. It’s a look you’re so tired of seeing on your best friend; your sister.

 

“Kim.”

 

“Kim?”

 

“I had one of my reactions,” you explain. “She followed me into the bathroom when I threw up.”

 

“And?”

 

“She wanted to know why, but….I couldn’t tell her.” You’re staring at the wall above Tommy’s head. The wall where there’s a patch from where you two tried to hang a picture, but it fell and took out a chunk of the wall. You and she keep saying you’ll paint over it, but you haven’t yet. You can’t look away from it.

 

“Trini....maybe it’s time.”

 

“It’s not.” You shake your head slowly.

 

“You’re right. It was time three years ago.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Trini, I think it’s time you found a therapist here. You know you’re supposed to be going to therapy. It’ll help. With all of this.”

 

“I don’t need therapy.”

 

“I think you do.”

 

“What do you know?” There’s a bite in your tone that you instantly regret.

 

She throws the blanket off her lap, you can see in your peripheral vision. “What do _I_ know? I know that my best friend is bitter, and scared, and has panic attacks. I know that she can’t accept what happened. I know that she went through something terrible and hasn’t found the appreciation for her life. That’s what I know.”

 

Your eyes are so full of tears that you’re trying desperately to hold back. Your knees are shaking. The spot on the wall becomes blurred. A lump sits in your throat that you can hardly swallow around, and it hurts. “Tommy…” you whisper.

 

“We don’t even say it,” she goes on. “We talk around it, but we don’t say it. I don’t say it out of respect for you, but I don’t think it’s helping you. I think you need to tell me what happened.”

 

“No.” You shake your head.

 

“What happened, Trini?”

 

A few of the tears escape and roll down your cheeks. You ignore them as they curl around your chin. “I can’t,” you repeat.

 

“That day we went to the hospital...you already knew what they’d tell you. So, what did they tell you?”

 

Your fists are wrapped tight at your sides. You want to try, for her. For all that she’s done and sacrificed for you. You think of all the times you woke up in the hospital bed to her at your side, refusing to go home, and you think about her holding your hand before they wheeled you away for surgery. She has always just wanted you to be okay. But you’re not. And you’re so stubborn in wanting to be angry and bitter over all that you lost -- all that you gave up.

 

“You’re not playing fair,” your whisper cutting glass.

 

“Sue me.”

 

“This isn’t easy for me.”

 

“Never said it was. But you have to start healing.”

 

“How am I supposed to heal?!” Your eyes finally dart to hers. You’re sure yours are filled with anger. “ _I’m_ not complete!” More tears fall.

 

“Yeah, you are. Just in a different way.”

 

“Well I don’t accept that!”

 

“You don’t have to accept it.”

 

You move closer to the couch and she leans back, resting her head to the back of it so she can still look up at you. “Tommy…”

 

“You don’t have to like it.”

 

“I had cancer!” You shout, louder than before. You swipe up the dampness on your face. “I got cancer, and it ruined my life!”

 

“How?”

 

You open your mouth to respond, but shut it. You reach behind your back, under your shirt, and unclasp your bra. You tug it out from under your shirt and hold up the custom padded item. “This! I lost Kim! I went through hell with chemo! And then I ended up with this!” You shake the bra.

 

“That right there? Saved your life.”

 

“You want to know why I can’t tell her?! Because I can’t let her see this! It’s not me!”

 

Tommy leaned forward on the couch. “But it will be. You’re going to have the surgery and you’ll feel differently.”

 

“I’ll still know. They won’t be real. They won’t be me.”

 

“Yeah, they will. You’re you already.”

 

“You...you don’t understand.” You shake your head and stalk off to your room, and you slam the door shut behind you. You don’t care that you sound like a petulant teenager.

 

You pace back and forth across your room. You’re scared, you’re angry, you’re feeling every emotion from the last three years trying to bubble up at once. There’s only one thing you want to make you feel better. Only one person that you want to see.

 

You put your bra back on and wipe your face with the bottom of your shirt. You pull out your phone and Google her. It takes no time at all to find her mother’s house. You look at the door that leads to the rest of the house, and you know you don’t want to face Tommy right now. You don’t want to tell her where you’re going. So you go to your window and push it open. You climb out and pull it back down, and then you turn and you run. You run for blocks. You run halfway across town to where the houses get bigger and more grand. You turn down a street and watch the house numbers pass you by until you find the right one, and you run up the front drive and to the door. You put your hands to your knees and try to catch your breath. You’re terribly out of shape, and you feel it. You don’t even know how you managed to run all the way here. You lift up and raise your knuckles to knock on the door, but pause. Do you really want to do this? What are you even going to say to her? You know she’ll expect the truth, and you know you’re not prepared to give it. But you need to see her. Ever since she stepped back into your life you’ve felt this clawing need to see her and be near her. All the time. So you knock. And you wait. And you knock again. It’s not terribly late. She can’t be asleep already. You glance at your watch and realize it’s passed ten o’clock. Your argument with Tommy lasted longer than you realized. You knock again, and immediately the door opens.

 

Kim is standing there in grey shorts and a yellow tee shirt. She stares at you silently, and you can see her absorbing the fact that you’re there, on her front porch. You need to say something. You should say something. Anything.

 

“That’s my shirt,” you find yourself settling on. Really?

 

She frowns. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I don’t know,” you admit. You take in her face, her cute nose, her jaw and chin. You glance at her lips and her hair, and you feel surrounded by her even though she’s several feet away.

 

“Come in,” she says, stepping aside.

 

“No.” You shake your head. Being close to her is reminding you of all you lost, all you threw away, and all you and Tommy said to each other. The tears return. They waste no time in falling down your face. You see her expression change to worry and she steps closer to the threshold. You feel your chin shaking at the effort of holding back all of the emotions. It’s painful. Your heart constricts. You’re suddenly exhausted from your journey over. You fall to your knees in front of the door and drop your head. Tears meld into your nose and fall against the wooden porch.

 

“Trin…” she says softly. She moves forward, out the door, and gets to her knees just inches across from you. “Trin.” She lifts her hands to your face to lift it up, and you look at her. She is _so fucking beautiful_. She strokes your cheeks and slides her hands up into your hair, and she brings your foreheads together. She doesn’t say another word.

 

Her softness, her tenderness, breaks you. You start to cry in earnest, sobs erupting from your chest and breaths heavy. She continues moving her hands through your hair, then down your cheeks, then back up through your hair. Your eyes are closed as you cry, but you feel her breath against your lips.

 

“I’ve got you,” she whispers after a bit.

 

“Why?” Your voice is pained and raw. How could she even want to touch you? You were terrible to her.

 

“Because you’re mine.”

 

The words draw another plethora of emotion up in you. Your shoulders shake. She’s still your Kimberly. Still feels like your Kimberly. Your everything. “I had breast cancer,” you softly sob. You hear her quiet gasp. Her hands tighten on your face. “I had chemo,” you go on. There’s more, so much more, but you still can’t bring yourself to say it to her. So you fall silent. Her arms wrap around your neck tightly, and you realize after a moment that she’s crying, too.

 

“I’m sorry,” you whimper.

 

“Ssh,” she hushes. She moves to sit down and pulls you close. Her back is to the door jamb and her legs are stretched out before her. You shift so that you’re sitting by her hip, and you rest your head on her shoulder. She rubs your back in slow stokes. “I wish you’d told me.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m so mad at you.” Her voice betrays those words and is soft and caring.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I could have….been there for you. Taken care of you.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

And you do. You keep your head to her shoulder as she rubs your back and you both cry.


	7. if i could make amends with all my shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter song is I Of The Storm by Of Monsters and Men
> 
> it's short, i am sorry

_"if I could face them_   
_if I could make amends with all my shadows_   
_i'd bow my head and welcome them"_

* * *

 

Some time later, you’re not sure how long, you’re sitting up with crossed legs and staring at her where she still sits leaned against the door jamb. She’s staring back, and neither one of you have spoken in a long time. Her eyes are red and puffy, tears dried on her cheeks, and her mascara has smudged some in the corners of, and beneath, her eyes. You don’t want to think about what your own face looks like. The eye contact starts to feel too intense though so you glance away. Your gaze slides to the open door.

 

“Shouldn’t you...close that?”

 

She waves a hand in dismissal. “Mom’s not home. Who cares.” You nod and continue looking at the door, because now that some time has passed it’s easier than looking at her. “When did you know?” She asks.

 

You sigh and look down to your lap. You don’t even like thinking about it much less talking about it, but you do kind of owe her. You lick your lips and stall a moment longer. “I found out a couple days before I, uh...you know…”

 

“Dumped me?”

 

“Yeah. A few weeks before, when I had that physical, the doctor felt something...so she said she wanted to run some tests. I...I was really scared, and I wanted to talk to you about it, I did, but...I never could.”

 

“You hold a lot to your chest,” she says. “...no pun intended, this time.”

 

You nod. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Are you? Sorry? I mean, really? If you had to do it all over again, would you tell me?”

 

“No,” you whisper in quick response. You hear her hum and glance at her, and her lips are set in a thin line and she’s looking across the porch at the swing that hangs at the end. You look away again. “I didn’t want you to see me like that. I didn’t want you to watch me…” The words fall away from you. You know you’re...okay- _ish_ now. You know _now_. You didn’t then. Then you were scared, so scared, and you thought the worst. You tried to stay positive, Tommy tried to keep you positive, but you were still terrified of dying. Worse, after leaving her, you were terrified of dying without her. But you still didn’t want her to be there for it.

 

“You should have let me decide,” she whispers. And, _god_ , you know it’s true, and it _aches_ deep in your chest at how _right_ she is, but you’re nothing if not stubborn. “Trini,” she says your name more firmly, so much so that you look at her. You hold her gaze. “That was for me to decide. I could have been there to tell you it’d be okay.” Fresh tears fall down her cheeks. “I hate that I wasn’t there for you.”

 

You can’t look at her. The door fascinates you once again. “I’m not okay.” You’re not sure how you get the words out. It’s been haunting you and Tommy for a long time. Left in the unspoken words between you and the frayed edges of your friendship where you know she’ll never look at you the same way again. Where you owe her more than you could possible repay. “I’m not okay,” you repeat. “And I won’t be. So, yeah, I’d do it again.”

 

“And I thought you loved me,” she snorts, almost childishly.

 

“I did.” You roll your head a little to loosen your tight shoulders. “I thought you hated me.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Then what does it matter?”

 

“Because even though I hate you...I knew, the second I saw you again, that I still love you,” she admits.

 

Your heart doesn’t know how to take that. It hammers and skips all at once. Your eyes are unwillingly drawn to her and she’s staring down at her knees. You watch her, drink her in, and you try not to shout out that you still love her as well. You can’t. You can’t have her, and it’s killing you right now.

 

The two of you fall into silence for a long time. You listen to the crickets and the utter _quiet_ that surrounds you. You feel a little less lonely than you have felt for the last three years.

 

“I’d like to talk more,” she says after a while.

 

“What else is there to say?”

 

“Everything. I want to hear about what you went through, I want to tell you about my life...don’t you...don’t you feel like...I don’t know, you’ve gotten a piece of you back? Is that super cheesy?”

 

You chuckle and nod. “Yeah it is.” What you aren’t saying is that, yes, you feel it, too. You look at her, and she’s looking at you, and you feel like you could be in a movie with the music swelling. Your heart certainly is.

 

“And I think...I need to talk about us,” she says. She sounds so grown up, so more self-aware than she had when you were younger.

 

“Kim-”

 

“I need that,” she says again. “I’ve been...hating myself for a long time over you leaving. Just...wondering what I could have done wrong. Wondering why I wasn’t enough. I need closure.”

And you can’t deny her that ( or anything ) so you nod. “Okay.”

 

“Okay,” she repeats.

 

“I think...I should go,” you say. “Before Tommy’s Trini-sense kicks in and tells her I’m not there.”

 

Kim half smiles at that and nods. “I should make sure Callie didn’t sneak out while we weren’t paying attention.”

 

You slowly get to your feet and offer her a hand up. She takes it and rises, standing feet to feet with you, and you stare up at her. Her hand is still in yours, but neither of you notice. “I am sorry,” you whisper. “Hurting you...it killed me.”

 

“Rather that than the cancer,” she quips.

 

You smirk and yank her hand. “Smart ass.”

 

“You missed it.”

 

“Yeah,” you say softly. “I did.”

 

“Bye, Trin.”

 

“Bye, Kim.” You let go of her hand and turn to walk down the steps. You pause at the bottom to look back over your shoulder and she’s still standing there, watching you go, and she smiles. You smile back, half-heartedly at least, and walk on down the sidewalk. As you go you know she’s watching you, and you’re biting your smiling lip all the way home.

 

You know you're in trouble. 


	8. even promises may bleed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize from here on out for any inaccuracies with the cancer topic. I've done some research but am also writing to fit the story. I don't mean to offend anyone if I get something wrong.
> 
> cw for this chap: sexy times and trini being a dumbass
> 
> chap song from I Still Care For You by Ray LaMontagne

 

 

_"open_  
 _me_  
 _you'll find_  
 _only bones burned to glass._  
  
_i still care for you"_

* * *

 

The next morning you’re awoken to knocking on the front door. You blearily climb ( fall ) out of bed and scratch your head. The knocking continues. “Tommy!” You shout out to her in hopes she’s up and will see who it is, but she doesn’t respond and the knocking continues. Incessantly. You grumble to yourself and locate you bra to yank it on. Only Tommy and the doctors have seen you without it, and you’re not about to change that. “One minute!” You yell to whomever is out there. You stumble through the house in only your boxers and a tee shirt, and you get to the front door and pull it open. Standing on the front porch is Kim with a box of what appear to be donuts, and a tray full of coffees. She smiles.

 

“I thought we could talk now.”

 

You blink at her ( or to clear your eyes of sleep -- or both ) and shake your head to clear it of the fog sleep brings. “Now?”

 

“Do you have somewhere to be?” She glances you up and down and then meets your eyes with a soft smirk.

 

You always loved and feared that smirk.

 

“No,” you answer honestly and hesitantly. You’re not scheduled at the diner today. “But...now?”

 

“You made me wait three years,” she reminds you.

 

“Why do I have the feeling you’ll never let that go?” You step aside and usher her in with a wave of your hand. She steps inside looking quite proud of herself.

 

“Because I won’t,” she replies. She waves the tray of coffees under your nose so you can breathe them in. “Go put pants on, Chicken Legs.”

 

“I did not miss that name,” you say, turning to walk back to your room after shutting the door. As you pass Tommy’s room you pound on the door. “Kim brought coffee and donuts!” You hear a thump similar to the one of you falling from your bed.

 

“I’m up!”

 

Once you get sweatpants on and try to tame your hair that’s sticking out at every angle you walk back through the house to locate Kim. She’s standing in the living room at one of your bookcases and staring at a picture in a frame. It’s the only picture in the room so you know which one it is. You stand at her side and look at it, too.

 

“We had so many big dreams that day,” she comments softly.

 

You gaze over the sight of yourself, her, and Tommy decked out in your graduation gowns, arms thrown in the air in excitement, and you try to erase the frown on your lips. She sees it anyway.

 

“Why put this up if it upsets you?” She asks.

 

“It’s...a reminder.”

 

“Of?”

 

“What I lost.”

 

“That’s morbid, T.”

 

“It’s supposed to remind me to fight,” you go on. “To...enjoy life, I guess?”

 

“But it doesn’t?”

 

“No...it…” You look down at your bare feet. “It just reminds me of what was taken.”

 

“Nothing took me,” she says. “You let go.”

 

“I know.”

 

Neither of you speak for several beats, and just as you hear an intake of air from her lips, possible words on her tongue, Tommy appears behind you.

 

“Ahh, memory lane,” Tommy says, clapping her hands together once. “Is that awkward or what?” You shoot a glare over your shoulder at her and she just grins. “I heard talk of donuts and coffee?”

 

“You did,” Kim replies, holding both up.

 

“Then let’s adjourn to the kitchen,” Tommy replies. She leads the way to said room and over to the small table in the corner of it. You all take seats around it and Kim passes out the coffee and puts the donuts in the middle. “You are still _not_ a saint, but a saviour, Kimberly Hart.” Tommy reaches into the box and pulls out a chocolate glazed donut.

 

“Ignore her,” you say. You take out a blueberry glazed donut. You know Kim made sure at least a couple were in there for you, and it sparks an appreciation for her in you.

 

“Usually do,” Kim replies. “How else do you think I managed to live with her for two years?”

 

“Sex with my best friend,” Tommy answers, mouth full of fried dough.

 

“Yeah, that didn’t hurt.”

 

“Both of you shut up,” you say, rolling your eyes. You don’t need your and Kim’s sex life brought up this early in the morning. You take small bites of your donut and savour the taste.  

 

“So, Tommy, what have you been up to?” Kim asks. You can hear in her tone that it’s not what she really wants to talk about, but that it’s what is safe.

 

“Oh, you know, making a living.”

 

“Doesn’t Daddy do that for you?” She asks.

 

“You think I want him supporting me forever? I’m going places, Hart.”

 

“She’s working at the hospital gift shop,” you say dryly after a sip of coffee. Black. Just the way you like it.

 

“Just while I go back to school,” Tommy replies indignantly.

 

“What are you going to school for?” Kim asks as she licks her fingers. You look away from that as quickly as you can. It’s not the time to be reminded of how well she can use that tongue.

 

“Med school,” Tommy answers, clearly not bothered by the licking. “I wanna be an oncologist.”

 

“Remind me what they do?”

 

You and Tommy glance at each other and she looks down at her donut. She _was_ up when you got home last night, and you told her everything about your encounter with Kim. You always tell her everything. “Treat cancer,” Tommy says awkwardly.

 

“Oh,” Kim says softly.

 

“Yeah, seeing everything that Trini went through...it really changed me,” Tommy adds.

 

There’s a pause before the loud scraping of chair legs on the wooden floor, and Kim is up on her feet and out the door that leads from the kitchen to the back porch. You and Tommy look at each other with raised brows.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that?” She asks.

 

“It’s fine,” you assure her. You get up and follow Kim out the back door. You find her pacing on the back deck, fingers repeatedly stroking through her hair. “Kim…”

 

“That should have been _me_ !” She rounds on you and you shrink back. “That should have been _me_ who saw you go through hell and held your hand! That should have been _me_ who...who…” Her voices starts to shake and she stops moving to just stare at you. “I read all about it last night. I read about different kinds of breast cancer, and I read about chemotherapy...it terrified me. It could come back, right? There’s always that chance?”

 

“It won’t,” you say softly.

 

“But there’s a chance.”

 

“It wo-”

 

“Fuck you, Trini! Fuck you for making the decision for me that I wouldn’t be there for you!”

 

“It was my decision to make,” you say, feeling an undeserved spike of anger towards her start to rise.

 

“No! It wasn’t! You have no _idea_ what that did to me! We were planning a life together!” She reminds you. Like you need the reminder. It’s something you think about every day. “We were going to get a cat! And get married! And have kids!”

 

You think about all those things you had promised her. How you couldn’t even uphold the promise of getting a cat, because none of the places you had lived in together after college had allowed animals, and you hadn’t been able to afford her a place that would. Had you always let her down like that?

 

“One kid,” you mumble, stubbornly. An argument, albeit playfully, that you two had always had.

 

“Not the time,” she snaps. She walks off and sits down on the steps that lead to the backyard. You wait a moment before following her and sitting a step above her. “You should have let me be there.” Her voice breaks.

 

You bite back the urge to say you’re sorry, because you’re not. It was the right decision to make. And it was _yours_ to make. “If I hadn’t...and you’d seen me die…”

 

“You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself?” She snorts derisively.

 

“There were days...all I could do was puke and if I wasn’t puking I was...bone deep tired, but I couldn’t sleep because I kept having these lucid dreams...if I fell asleep I’d wake up screaming and Tommy would have to hold onto me to calm me down. When my hair fell out, I cried for days. They said the depression was normal...” You’re gazing across the yard, unsure how you’re getting all of this out when you still can’t even talk to Tommy about it. “And every time I…” You lick your lips and take in a shaky breath. “-I called for you, she would ask me if I really wanted her to get you, and I’d say no. Because I couldn’t face you like that. I wasn’t _me_.”

 

She’s quiet for a long time, and you let the words float there between you. You need to tell her what happened next. You need to tell her everything. But you can’t. She’ll never see you the same way again.

“I moved,” she says, finally. “After you left.” Her words are gentle, faraway. You look down at her and she’s staring at her hands while she picks at her cuticles. “I needed to be somewhere different that didn’t remind me of you. I got a job as a tequila girl at this club. It was-,” she chuckles lightly, “- _terrible_. But the tips were amazing. Suddenly, I was partying all the time. I was sleeping with people I worked with, sleeping with customers -- whoever wanted my attention.”

 

You listen to her words and a raw bubble of jealousy starts to boil over in your stomach. You know you have no right to be jealous, but you are. You’re also concerned, because that isn’t the kind of life you want for her. “What about gymnastics?”

 

“You know I never made it anywhere after college.” She shakes her head. “And it turns out a degree in the history of architecture doesn’t really get you anywhere.”

 

“Neither does one in Women’s Studies,” you say.

 

“We really should have planned that out better.”

 

“Our parents did try to warn us,” you remind her. “Constantly.”

 

“But we didn’t listen. We were too caught up in being in college and...being together.”

 

“What are you doing now?” You ask it to dodge the subject.

 

“I’m the gymnastics coach at Angel Grove High,” she answers.

 

You look at her face and you smile. “That sounds like a great job for you.”

 

“It’s not so bad,” she nods. “I like the kids. When I’m not coaching I teach Health and Fitness classes. Those are pretty easy.”

 

“I imagine teaching a bunch of horny teenagers about sex is interesting.”

 

She laughs at that, a genuine laugh. “Yeah, they definitely make it interesting.”

 

“How long were you at that club?”

 

“Uhh, a year? Almost.” She’s still looking at her hands, but you can see her brows furrow. “I was pretty reckless then. I was drinking, hooking up...trying out some drugs. Anything to make me forget where my life was supposed to be. Then my friend Jason, like, the only actual good guy in the place, said ‘let’s run away’. I said yes. So we did. We both picked up and left, and found a new town. We got a place, got honest jobs, and I quit drinking. I tried to deal with everything.”

 

“Did you?” You want to ask about Jason, but you hold back. It’s not your place. That ache of jealousy is still prevalent and rising by the moment. There’s so much of her life that you missed out on. So much pain that you caused. That jealousy is starting to turn into anger at yourself. You tried so hard to protect her from pain and sadness, but you only gave it to her in a different form.

 

“I thought so.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

She finally quirks her head to the side to look up at you and she stares at you for a moment with those dark, beautiful eyes. “It means that you breaking my heart never went away, and I don’t know how it ever will.”

 

“I’m sorry,” you say, your voice nothing but a strained whisper. How do you tell her how sorry you truly are that you _had_ to hurt her? How do you explain that you would give up anything just for her to be happy?

 

“I swear to god If you ever say that to me again…”

 

“What do you _want_ me to say?”

 

“I...I want you to say you were _wrong_ ,” she says, begging you, and you see the glimmering of tears in her eyes.

 

You want to look away. You want to close your eyes. But you can’t. You can’t look anywhere but at her. “I can’t.”

 

You watch tears fall down her cheeks, and you wish you could put your fingers there to catch them and wipe them away. You wish you could move one step down and put your arms around her and tell her that you love her. Tell her that she’s all you ever think about still.

 

But you can’t.

 

“Why does this still hurt _so much_ after three years?” She asks you in a desperate tone. “Why can’t I get you out of my heart?”

 

_Because we’re made for each other._

 

It’s what you want to say, but you bite it back. “Maybe...if we talk more...it’ll help.” Because you’d like to help her get over you -- you’d hate it -- but you want it. To give her closure.

 

“How can I do that when a part of me still... _hates_ you so much...and another part of me... _god_ , wants to _kiss_ you every second I see your face?”

 

You gulp. Your eyes can’t help but fall to her lips, but you realize the second they do and look up again. You’re too late. She’s seen you. You know by the very faint lift in the corner of her lips. You bite your bottom lip and look away.

 

“Then maybe we should just coexist in this town and not...do _this_ ,” you suggest. And really, that’s the best option in your mind. Being around her is too hard. Being around feels like someone has a vice grip on your heart and is refusing to let go no matter how much you beg for relief. Being around her is as intoxicating as it was from the moment you met, when you didn’t know what the feeling even was. Being around her was hell, but it was also home.

 

“Coexist how? It’s not that big of a town.”

 

“We’ll section it off.” You try to sound logical, but you know you only sound lame.

 

“What? On Mondays I can go grocery shopping, on Tuesdays I can-can fucking go to the Krispy Kreme?” Her words bite into the air. She swipes at the tears still falling on her face and sniffs as she looks down and tugs at her sock. “Don’t be stupid, Trin.”

 

It doesn’t help when she calls you that. Your eyes close.

 

_“Baby, can we go out for lunch tomorrow?”_

 

_You’re pressing slow but hard kisses along Kim’s neck and throat when you hear her words. You stop and look up at her. “I’m tryin’ to have some foreplay and you’re askin’ me about lunch?”_

 

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, go...it feels good.”_

 

_You smirk against her skin. “I have my yearly physical tomorrow,” you remind her. “How about dinner?”_

 

_“Ooh, can we get dressed up and go somewhere nice?” Her hands rub your back and shoulders._

 

_“Anything you want.” You drop your head and run your tongue against the hollow of her throat and listen to her gentle moan. You bite the pulse of her neck and kiss behind her ear. “Anything for my Princess,” you chuckle deeply into her ear._

 

_“How about making me come?”_

 

_You grin and trail your hand down her stomach and between her legs. “Like this?”_

 

_“I don’t care how,” she says in a whine._

 

_You move your lips to hers and kiss her, your tongue swirling with hers, as your fingers run through her warmth and tease at her clit. It isn’t long before she’s whimpering into your mouth and you move your touch into her in slow but deliberate strokes. Your mouth pulls from hers and returns to her neck where you kiss and bite and suck at the soft skin there. Your thumb circles at her clit while you pump into her and you hear her low gasps in your ear. Her arms wrap around your neck tightly, and your breasts press together, and just as you think you could be in heaven -- her scent, her perfume, her skin surrounding you -- her gasps turn into soft, needy words._

 

_“Trin...baby...oh, Trin…”_

 

_And it’s not your ego that lights aflame, but your heart. It pounds for her, like it always does, and it’s this that makes you feel alive. Loving her, showing her your love, and feeling hers. Getting lost in your own world together._

 

_“I love you,” you say into her ear, nipping at the lobe._

 

_“Love...you,” she murmurs in her haze of ecstacy. “Trin...harder, please…”_

 

“Trini.”

 

You open your eyes and look at her, and her head is turned to look at you again. She’s scowling. “What are you smiling about?”

 

You wipe your face clean. “Nothing. Look. We have to figure something out.”

 

“I know.”

 

“So, what are we gonna do?”

 

Once more, she looks away and across the overgrown backyard ( you really should do something about that ) and her nose wrinkles. “I don’t know,” is all she says.

 

You say nothing and look down at your feet then over to her profile, and you watch her watching the world. You’ll never understand how she can be so beautiful. How you can always be so surprised over it. “I still have it,” you say, completely without thought. You surprise yourself and wish you could take it back. You’re not sure why you even said it.

 

“Still have what?” She asks, without looking at you.

 

You sigh and shake your head. “Nothing.”

 

“What?” She turns, her voice and face irritate, and you know you have to finish your thought.

 

Biting your lip again, you reach into your shirt and pull out a chain. Around the chain is a diamond ring. Nothing big or fancy, but quite pretty all the same. She gasps when she sees it, the sunlight through the trees hitting it at all the right angles, and she reaches a hand out to hold it in her open palm. You realize she has never seen it before now.

 

“You...are you kidding me?” She looks into your eyes, and you can’t read her expression.

 

“...no?” Your heart is beating hard inside your chest and it’s almost painful. You wish you hadn’t opened your big mouth.

 

“You’re really sitting here showing me this?”

 

“I-I shouldn’t have…” You take it from her hand and start stuffing it back under your shirt, but she reaches out and stops you. Her hand gets a little too close to your collarbone so you slap it away. Your mouth drops open instantly. “Kim!” You shout her name and reach for her hand.

 

She takes her hand away, shaking it slightly from the sting, and looks at you incredulously. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You say that a lot, are you sure you know what it means?”

 

“I didn’t mean to...I don’t know why I did that.”

 

“What? Literally dangled the ring you were too chicken-shit to give me in my face or slapped my hand when I tried to get a better look?” She gets to her feet. “I don’t know why I’m doing this.”

 

You look up at her, one eye squinting in the sun. She looks back at you and watches you. You can’t look away, despite the sight actually blinding you.

 

“Are you going to stop me?”

 

“With what?”

 

She shakes her head. “I really do hate you, Trini Rodriguez.”

 

“I know.”

 

She sighs and plops down on the step beside you. “We’re going to drive ourselves crazy trying to avoid each other. So...let’s talk about that...sectioning off the town thing.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Well, it’s not like we’re going to be friends, are we?”

 

“I don’t think we ever were in the first place,” you say.

 

She snorts, this time almost amused. “Yeah, why be friends when you can just fuck as many times a day as you can get away with, without anyone knowing?”

 

“I think we did a pretty good job at hiding it,” you comment.

 

“Remember the time in the school library?”

 

“Of course I remember,” you say, rolling your eyes. “You nearly bit my hand off trying to scream.”

 

She scoffs. “You weren’t much better that time I went down on you at my parents’ house.”

 

“You mean the time we were in the kitchen ‘getting more water’ for dinner? And they were a room away?”

“What? I was hungry for something else.”

 

“Kimberly Hart,” you sigh.

 

“We really were good at sex.”

 

“Why are we talking about this?”

 

“I don’t know. I haven’t had sex in a long time,” she says. “I miss it.”

 

“I haven’t had sex since you,” you find yourself admitting, once again before you can stop the words from coming out.

 

“...really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oh?” You ask, turning to look at her.

 

She turns, too. “Yeah...oh.”

 

And neither of you speak another word. You just stare at each other while you silently yearn to kiss her senseless.


	9. you're the cure, you're the pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one for ya!
> 
> Song: Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding

_"you're the light, you're the night_  
_you're the color of my blood_  
_you're the cure, you're the pain_  
_you're the only thing I wanna touch"_

* * *

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Yeah,” you say. You’ve been watching each other quietly for awhile now and her voice is almost a surprise to you, even though you see her stunning lips move. ( You may or may not be staring at those lips and remembering every kiss they’ve shared with yours. )

 

“Was it...was it _easy_? Leaving me?” There’s a raw vulnerability in those last two words, and they sting you. For someone who always seems so sure of herself you know, deep down, that she isn’t. She never has been. That’s why you were always so sure of her for her.

 

_“I can’t believe you talked me into a pink leotard,” Kim huffs, yanking the thing from her closet._

 

_You sit on her bed, watching her, and you tilt your head with a brow raised. “Talk you into it? I said you looked hot.”_

 

_“And it was enough,” she says. She stuffs the thing into her gym bag. “And you realize this is my first competition with you there as my official girlfriend?”_

 

_“So?”_

 

_“_ So _, so what if it’s bad luck?”_

 

_“Are you saying I’m bad luck?”_

 

_“No! I just-I…” She plops down on the bed beside you with the gym bag in her lap. “What if I miss a flip or my grip slips?”_

 

_“Kim, you’re the best gymnast at this school. In the whole state!”_

 

_“Trini, this_ is _state competitions. I can’t be the best in the state before I win state.” Her voice is angry, but you know she isn’t. You think it’s adorable, actually. But you don’t let it show. You take her hand in yours and kiss the back of it softly._

 

_“What are you really worried about?”_

 

_“What if...I’m not the best?”_

 

_“What if you’re not?” You ask in return._

 

_“Hey!”_

 

_“I mean it. So what? So what if you’re not the best in the state? You’re still amazing. And you’ll still be the best to me.”_

 

_“That’s...really lame.” But you see a smile starting on her lips._

 

_“I can’t help it if the truth is lame.” You’re smiling when you kiss her hand again, and she looks at you._

 

_“I’m scared,” she admits._

 

_“I know, baby, but you’ve practiced so hard for this. You can do it.”_

 

_Her hand turns to cup your face and you stare at her. Her soft smile makes your heart pound, and you wonder if it ever won’t do that very thing. She leans in to kiss your lips gently, and you close your eyes to savour it._

 

“No,” you answer without pause. She nods and looks away, and through her profile you see tears dot her eyelashes. “No,” you say again, more firmly this time. You reach over and let your small fingers encircle her wrist. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” She lets out a small laugh of disbelief. “I mean it.” She still doesn’t seem to believe you. “Kim.” You slide your hand up her arm and wrap it against her neck. “Kim, listen to me.” She turns and looks at you. You look into her eyes, her broken, beautiful brown eyes. “I mean it,” you whisper.

 

She ducks her head as more tears spill down her cheeks. “Damn you, Trini.”

 

“I had to.”

 

“ _No_ , you didn’t. You always try to protect me even when I should be-should’ve been the one protecting you.”

 

“I did have to. If I’d told you the truth you wouldn’t have left my side. You would have been there for all of it. I couldn’t bear to see that kind of pain on you. I won’t apologize for protecting you from that.”

 

“It was _my_ choice to make,” she repeats herself in a harsh whisper. “I _hated_ you so much. I-I enjoyed hating you. I liked talking about my evil ex-girlfriend and how awful she was. It was…” She sniffs and draws her fingers under her eyes. “it was easier than admitting that despite how awful she was...I still l-loved her.” Her voice breaks again at that word, and your heart follows.

 

Without thought, your thumb moves up to brush away the tears on her cheek. You watch her lean into the touch and your head moves closer to hers. “I hate myself more than you ever could,” you whisper, cradling her face.

 

“Good,” she whispers back, eyes flitting to yours as she leans into the touch.

 

“Some days I wish…” You trial off, unable to say it. Thinking it was one thing, but saying it aloud to someone, to the most important someone, well that was another.

 

“What?” You can just barely feel her breath on your lips with that single word, and it churns at your stomach with an aching for her.

 

“...that it won,” you say, barely in audible words. It’s not something you’ve ever said aloud, after all. And it hurts to say it. Even though it’s true.

 

“Shut up,” she manages to whisper and whine at once. Her hands come up to your face. “Just shut up.” Your foreheads are pressed together for a moment and your eyes close, and you aren’t sure who moves first, where it begins, but you soon feel the wet, warm touch of her mouth on yours.

 

At first it’s only that, a touch, but then it becomes quickly heated. You still have one hand on her neck and you move the other to her cheek, and you drown in her taste on your tongue. You burn inside at how her mouth and lips feel the same after all these years; after all the pain. And the kiss, oh the kiss is perfectly in synchronization, just as every kiss before it. Your tongues move together, explore, and seek solitude together. You feel tears on the skin between you, and you hear her whimper into your mouth. You wonder if this is what dying really feels like. So perfect, but so painfully raw. She’s pressing close to you, so close she could be in your lap, so close...too close. No, she’s getting too close.

 

You turn your head to break the kiss and hear her gasp. You don’t let go of one another.

 

“Kim-”

 

“Don’t.” It’s then she pulls herself from you and gets to her feet. “I think... _that’s_ the right way to end things.”

 

The words send all your feelings, all the now pent up desire, to a crushing halt. You deserve that, and you know you do, but it hurts. You nod and look down at your feet again; your tiny toes and the chipped yellow paint on them. You didn’t think the kiss meant anything ( but didn’t it have to mean _something_? Could you and she ever kiss and it not mean something? ), but you had let yourself enjoy it for a moment too long.

 

You can’t bear to watch her walk away, so you keep your back to her and listen to her cross the deck and walk through the back door, and you listen to it slam shut. You drop your face into your hands and wipe away the tears you didn’t know were there -- were they yours? were they hers? -- and you take deep, centering breaths.

 

After awhile you hear the door open again and feet cross the faded wood, and someone sits beside you. You know who it is. She wraps her arm around your shoulders, and you’re grateful that she knew not to come out right away. You needed that moment. You lean your head on her shoulder and stare up at the tree tops above you. They sway and dance with the breeze, and you wish you were that free. You only ever were with her.

 

“I got you Little T,” Tommy says gently.

 

“Thanks,” you murmur.

 

You both sit quietly for a bit, then you hear her speak up again. “At least she’s not hot still.”

 

“Tommy,” you groan.


	10. a familiar taste of poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (see what i did there?)
> 
> Another chapter of trash from me. This one is rated ST for sexy times. Be old enough. Or skip it if you don't wanna read that.
> 
> Chapter song is A Familiar Taste of Poison by Halestorm (it's perf listen to it)

 

_"i breathe you in again_  
_just to feel you_  
_underneath my skin,_  
_holding on to_  
_the sweet escape,_  
_is always laced with a,_  
_familiar taste,_  
_of poison"_

* * *

 

It’s late, and you’re pulling up your street towards the house. Music is playing loudly on the radio to keep you awake. You’ve been in L.A. for two days meeting with the surgeon about your options, and you’re exhausted. You just want to get it over with. You didn’t realize it would be such a process, but apparently ‘these things take time’.

 

Tommy had offered to go with you, but you honestly needed the time alone. It’s been two weeks since you’ve seen Kimberly, since you _kissed_ Kimberly, and she hasn’t been far from your mind ever since. She hasn’t been since the moment you met, honestly. You need a break. A break from thinking about her and a break from everything that happened.

 

You pull into the driveway and notice a car that isn’t Tommy’s. When you park and your headlights shine on the house, you notice someone sitting on the front steps. And it’s a figure you’d never misplace. You get out of the car and walk up the path and stop.

 

“Kim?” Like you need to ask.

 

She’s sitting there in shorts and a tank top, rubbing her arms at the slight chill of wind in the air, and she looks up at you with a quizzical stare. As if you’re the one surprising her.

 

“Hey,” she says.

 

“Hey,” you respond. You don’t know what to do with yourself so your cross your arms awkwardly. “What’s up?”

 

“I went out for a run,” she says. “Ended up here.”

 

“Okay...why?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess….because I can’t stop thinking about the last time I saw you.” She stares up at you with meaning in her gaze, and you get it. Do you ever.

 

“Oh,” is all you can say. Your nails dig into your arms. You’re not sure you want to do this here and now. You don’t even know what ‘this’ is.

 

“I feel like we need to talk more, but I don’t know what else to say.”

 

You nod and look at your feet. It’s easier than looking at her. Looking at her might be harder than anything right now. “Yeah...Kim...I’ve had a long day.”

 

“And?”

 

“And we’re not doing this right now.”

 

You see her tense up, but you’re not expecting it when she launches herself off of the steps and into your face. “You don’t get to make all the decisions! You always think that! You always think you know best! Well, you don’t! You’re an idiot!”

 

You close your eyes for a moment and open them. “Kim.”

 

“Don’t say my name like that!”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like...like you’re trying to fucking calm me down! I don’t want to be calm!”

 

“Can we at least go inside?”

 

“Fuck you, Trini!”

 

“Mature,” you mutter, but she hears you and gets impossibly closer.

 

“Mature?! Mature is telling someone why you’re dumping them instead of coming up with _lies_ to make them hate you! Mature is dealing with what life fucking throws you instead of running away to die alone like a coward!”

 

You grit your teeth, anger flaring up inside of you. She’s right. You know she’s right. But that doesn’t make it any easier to hear. “Stop it.”

 

“You don’t know what you did to me! You have _no_ idea! I _hated_ myself! I thought...I thought you didn’t want to be with me so badly that you had to lie to get out of it! I thought...that if I wasn’t good enough for you, I couldn’t be good enough for _anyone_!”

 

Her words break the anger inside of you. You already had an idea of what she had been feeling over the last few years from your last conversation, but this sealed itself in your mind even more. You know she’s always had issues with how she sees herself, but you couldn’t have imagined you would make it that much worse. “Kim,” you say softly, your hands shooting out for her face. She’s faster, and her hands come up to swat yours away. You grab for her struggling wrists. “Kimberly,” you say louder. You catch her wrists and hold them tight as you stare at her. Her eyes are haunted with pain and your heart aches. She’s panting hard and staring at you with a hatred that you could never imagine. “I’m s-”

 

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry,” she says, in a surprisingly calm voice. “Don’t you dare fucking say that again.”

 

“What _can_ I say?”

 

“I don’t know!” Tears well up in her eyes, but you can’t bear to see her cry again.

 

“Come inside.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just...come inside.”

 

She nods and you let go of her wrists and lead the way up the stairs and to the front door. You’re both quiet as you fish out your key and unlock the door. You let her in first before following and closing the door behind you. Then you both stand in the entryway and stare at one another. You stare at each other for an agonizingly long time before she speaks up, her voice raw.

 

“I hate you...so much. I hate you because I can’t stop loving you.” Her voice sounds like she’s at war within herself just to speak them. “And because I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. I dream about that kiss. And I hate it.”

 

The words _I’m sorry_ are on the tip of your tongue, but you swallow them down. You don’t want to tell her it’s been on your mind, too. That it’s all you can think about. That she’s all you can think about. You know she needs to hear it, that she’s not alone, but you can’t say it. Instead you continue staring at her and you watch her chest move with every hard breath she’s taking. With a hard swallow, you step forward and reach out to cup her face again. This time she lets you. Her eyes close. Your thumbs brush her cheeks reverently and you take in her beauty. She hasn’t changed a bit. Not on the outside. She’s every bit the woman you remember. The woman you love.

 

“I hate you,” she whispers, pained.

 

You don’t respond. Instead, you lean up and kiss her.

 

Your lips move over hers slowly, and for a moment you think she won’t kiss you back, but then she does. Your kiss is a gentle, practiced dance that you never could forget the moves of. It deepens, and she presses against you, and you let her. Her hands fall to your hips and you feel her tongue run against your lips. Your mouth opens so that your tongue can meet hers and they glide together effortlessly. Desperation kicks in and you kiss her harder, and she meets you every step of the way. You hear yourself sigh into her mouth and feel her swallow it. You can’t think about anything but the way she tastes and the way she feels. You break for air, foreheads resting together, and you pant into each other’s mouths.

 

“I hate you so much,” she whispers, care coming through those words.

 

You kiss her again. It’s hot and hard, and in moments she has you pressed back against the wall. Her fingers dig into your hips where her own hips press tightly to you. You feel an ache of desire for her, strong and persistent. Her hands are under your shirt, her thumbs stroking your hip bones, and you can’t think. No one else’s touch could ever fuel you like hers.

 

Your lips pull from hers and you lean your head back against the wall. You already know where this is going, and you can’t. You want to, but you can’t. You need it, but you can’t. You can’t let her see you.

 

“I want you,” she whispers. She leans down and presses her lips to your neck, and soon there are hard, bruising kisses all along it.

 

“Kim,” you murmur.

 

“I know you want me.”

 

“I do,” you admit.

 

“So take me.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because...this is already so complicated…”

 

Her head leans back and she stares at you. Her hand slides down between your legs and presses against you. “It doesn’t have to be.”

 

You groan and feel the fire inside of you begging to be extinguished. You want her touch on you. But you’re lacking a part of you that she has always loved; that she’s always been drawn to when you’re alone together. She wouldn’t look at you the same if she saw you now, and you know you wouldn’t be able to take that. Your hips are moving on their own, rocking against her hand. You know she knows how badly you want it.

 

“I’m not...ready,” you manage to get out.

 

“Then let me just take care of you.” She takes your hand and starts to lead you to the living room, and you miss her touch already. She sits you on the couch. “This doesn’t mean anything,” she says. She gets to her knees in front of you and stares up at you, and there’s a gentleness to her gaze that you can’t look away from. You can’t speak to decline. You want it.

 

She reaches up for the button on your jeans and undoes them. Your eyes don’t stray from hers as you lift your hips and let her pull them down, along with your boxers, but she looks away. She looks down, and you see a hunger spark in her eyes. She tugs your clothes away and leaves them on the floor at her side before reaching for your hips and tugging you closer to the edge of the couch. You go willingly. The cool air against you is a calming relief against the heat and burn you have for her. She pushes your knees apart and leans in close, and you watch her inhale your scent. Your heart is pounding.

 

She kisses up your inner thigh. You want to scream. You’re trembling, and you know it isn’t that you’re cold. Then her face settles between your legs and you feel her hot breath against you. You whimper.

 

“I missed this,” she whispers. Her nose nudges your clit and your hips jerk into her. You can feel her smile spread across her lips. She just sits there for a moment, not moving, and it drives you insane. You whine. Her tongue runs against you.

 

“Fuck,” you whisper.

 

She chuckles, and you feel it. Your hips press into her. She licks you again, slowly and thoroughly. She repeats it a few times before flicking the tip of her tongue against your clit. You feel fevered. She pulls back, and you want to scream. She reaches up to tug your legs over her shoulders and lift your hips closer before she dives back in with vigor. She licks and laps and sucks, and you press yourself into her face needily. Your hands grasp onto the couch cushions while your head is leaned back with closed eyes. All that exists is her and the pleasure she’s giving you.

 

Then you feel her finger circling you and you start to freeze up. “No,” you gasp out. “Not...just your mouth.” You’re not ready for more than that. You are, physically, but mentally it would mean so much more.

 

She withdraws her finger and returns her mouth to you. You reach down to grasp the back of her head and push her in closer. Her tongue inside of you, her nose pressing to your clit, and you know you’re going to come soon. You know it’s going to be intense. Your thighs squeeze against her head and you hear her moan, and it vibrates against you in the best of ways. The burn is all present and you’re starting to twitch. Her mouth moves to your clit and she sucks hard, and that’s all it takes. Your orgasm hits you hard and you cry out softly and rut into her as the waves wash over you. She licks you softly while your world blurs around you. She licks you until your hips stop moving and you’re motionless on the couch. Then she softly kisses the inside of either thigh and looks up at you. Your eyes open to meet hers, and they’re dark and questioning. You love the sight of her down there.

 

You want to say something. Something meaningful. To thank her. But you can’t form words. She must sense it because she slowly moves up and crawls on top of you, straddling you, and she wraps her arms around your neck.

 

“Three years is a long time,” she says quietly. Then she leans in and kisses you.

 

You kiss her back, softly and slowly, and you sigh. You really do love her.  Her kiss turns deeper, more hungry, as her legs slide over one of yours and she starts rocking against your thigh. You can feel her heat and wetness through her small shorts.

 

“Here, let me-” Your hand starts to move between her legs but she bats it away.

 

“Don’t _touch_ me.” Then she softens and sighs. “Just...let me…” Her thrusts turn harder. You watch her. “Feels good,” she murmurs. Her eyes are closed and her head is leaned back, showing off the long slope of her neck. You lean in and spread kisses up it while pushing your thigh into her. She moans softly, and it’s music to your years. God, how you missed that sound. You do it again and she whimpers. “Talk to me,” she says.

 

Your tongue swipes up her throat and you hum. “You feel so good against my skin,” you whisper. “Hot and wet...I bet if I touched you you’d soak my fingers.” She whines and nods, rutting her hips faster. You can feel the seam of her shorts against your skin, and you know it’s tight against her clit. You try to rub your thigh just at that spot. “I love when your ass shakes,” you go on. Your hands reach down to grasp it and pull her closer. “I remember how much you loved me digging my nails into it, leaving marks…” You close your mouth over the side of her neck and bite it before sucking softly. The taste of her skin makes your heart pound and your world go hazy. You missed it so much. You missed this. Not just the sex, but the trust. If you can call it that anymore. With other girls, you never did care much for dirty talk, but with Kim it always made her so hot, and you loved making her hot. “I remember when you’d eat me out...you’d get so turned on you’d touch yourself.” She nods with another high whine. “I wish I could taste you, baby” you murmur, soothing the mark you just made with your tongue. Her hips still for a moment, her fingers clenching into your shoulders.

 

“Don’t call me that,” she hisses.

 

She waits a moment then returns to her thrusting, and you put your lips back to her neck. You can’t suppress the desire inside to put your lips all over it. You’re so lost in kissing her neck that you forget you were whispering dirty nothings to her. You’re lost in the haze of her against her thigh, and her skin on your tongue, you don’t notice when her hands move up to your chest until she grabs on. You quickly grab her wrists and pull her hands away, pushing them behind her back and holding them there. You’re breathing roughly, and not from what’s happening on your leg. You can hear your heart hammer in your head. Everything starts to blur. You know she has to know. They’re supposed to be life like, feel life like ( and Tommy assured you they were when she insisted on trying it out ) but it doesn’t stop the panic from building inside of you.

 

“Wow,” she whispers, thickly. You meet her eyes and they’re dark, dark, dark. She’s smirking. “Been awhile since we did bondage.”

 

She didn’t notice.

 

She didn’t notice, and you let out a breath of relief and smirk. “Been awhile since we did anything,” you add in a quick save. She half-heartedly fights your hold and her thighs tighten around yours. You know she’s close.

 

“But you always did like when I put the cuffs on you,” you whisper in her ear. “You talk big, but you loved wearing them more.” She whines and rocks faster. Her panting is heavy on your neck. “Remember the time I teased you until you cried? How hard you came for me?”

 

She chokes on air and you pull back just in time to see her orgasm hit. It amazes you just like it always had. There is nothing more beautiful. She continues grinding on your thigh until she collapses onto your shoulder, her face in your neck. You let go of her wrists and lean back, and the two of you sit there quietly for a long time while she catches her breath. Once she has she sits up.

 

“I should go.”

 

“Did...you wanna talk more?”

 

“No.” She gets to her feet and fixes her shorts.

 

“...Kim. Did you come over just to get laid?”

 

She gives you a smile. “Yeah. And I knew it’d work.”

 

“Kimberly!”

 

“See ya.” She turns on her heel and walks out of the room. You start to get up to go after her, but you realize you’re naked from the waist down and sit back down. You groan and throw your head back as you hear the front door slam shut.

 

You should have known better. You should have known she wouldn’t want to be near you so soon. You’re about to reach for your pants when you hear the front door open again. You sigh in relief and pause. “Kim, I-”

 

“Hey, did I just pass Kim on the way out?” Tommy’s voice calls out, getting closer. “Cause- Trini! Is that your pu-”


	11. i can't keep up with myself anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: Keeping Warm by Butterfly Boucher
> 
> tell me what ya like most so far!

_"i can't keep up with myself anymore_   
_anymore of this and I might lose it completely_   
_i might lose the lot_   
_i can't keep up with myself anymore"_

* * *

 

It’s been a few days since your encounter with Kim. You’ve been keeping busy with work and avoiding Tommy, who has been harshly criticizing you for what went down with Kim. You’ve been thinking about Kim non-stop, and you remember how she made you feel, how good it was, and you beat yourself up for letting it go as far as it did. But you also want more. You got another taste and it won’t leave your mind now.

 

You’re locking up the diner, thinking about Kim and her mouth, and you’re worked up. Horny. For her. You keep trying to push it away, but it comes back to you. You shake your head to clear it as you walk out the back door and lock it up, and then you turn around to go to your car, but there’s a figure leaning against it. There’s only one streetlamp on the side of the back lot, and it isn’t offering much light, but you know who it is. Your body tenses, but also flares up with desire. You pocket the keys and walk towards the car hoping this will end quickly.

 

“Kim,” you say in greeting.

 

She pushes herself off the car and takes the few steps closer to you. “Trini,” she says.

 

You cross your arms. “What do you want?”

 

She smirks, and it’s deadly. You know it’s nothing good. “I’ve been thinking about what happened in your living room. A lot.”

 

Your eyes fall to the pavement. Of course she has. One thing you learned about Kim early in your relationship is that she’s insatiable. Always wanting more. “I gotta go,” you say, trying to push past her. She grabs your arms and pushes you back against the car hard and you stare up at her questioningly. Have you made her mad again? Wouldn’t be a stretch. “Fuck, Kim...what do you want?”

 

She presses her body to yours, and the sensation burns through you. She feels good. Really good. But you can’t think that way. You can’t get into whatever this is she’s dealing with. “Ever since you got me off, I’ve been wanting more,” she says thickly. You knew that much. You keep your eyes on hers, gauging her mood. You can’t really read her and it’s frustrating.

 

“We can’t do that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because. This is complicated enough as it is.”

 

“And whose fault is that?” It’s nearly a growl. “You owe me.”

 

You roll your eyes and grab onto her and flip so that you can shove her back against the car. “You’re not going to guilt me into sex. I can’t believe you’d even try.”

 

“Always have to have the upper hand,” she says. “It’s exhausting.”

 

“Why the hell are you here? Why do you keep coming to me if you hate me so much?”

 

Her eyes narrow. “I told you, I can’t help it.”

 

“You need to find a way to deal with this. Without me.”

 

She grunts and flips you. Your back hurts, but you grit your teeth through it. “Maybe this is how I want to deal with it,” she says.

 

“By fucking me?”

 

She squeezes your arms hard and huffs before pressing in close. “I want you out of my head.”

 

“I can’t help you with that.”

 

“You owe me!” She shouts. She shakes you slightly. “You owe me,” she repeats, quieter. You look into her eyes and see that haunted, pained look that she carries often. You want to fix her. You want to do whatever she needs to feel better, but you know how much it’ll hurt. You still love her, and you don’t know if you can separate your feelings.

 

“Let go of me.”

 

“No!”

 

“Kimberly.”

 

“Don’t _say_ that. Don’t say my name like that!”

 

You take her moment of weakness to flip you both yet again, and you press her back to the car gently. “I can’t help you.”

 

“You owe me!” She shouts out again. She struggles against your hold and manages to slam you back into the car once again, and it hurts more this time. It feels like your whole spine is vibrating. You lean your head back for a moment in reaction to the pain, and when you bring it back forward she surges against you and kisses you. Hard. You want to push her away. You want to be strong enough to do so. But you’re weak when it comes to Kimberly Hart. So weak. You melt into it and kiss her back, meeting every pressing, needy movement. Her tongue is hard and persistent against yours, and you go with it. She’s squeezing your arms, but you can’t bother to care about it. Her kiss is fire, eating you alive, and burning down between your legs. You want her. God, you want her.

 

She tears her lips away and stares at you darkly. She doesn’t say anything, she just stares. Licks her lips. Her hair is in her eyes, and her face is red, and she’s so hot. You’re thinking about all the dirty things you want to do to her.

 

But you can’t. It takes a lot of power to push those thoughts from your mind. “Kim,” you say softly. “We can’t keep...doing this.”

 

“Fuck me in your backseat,” she goes on. “I need your fingers in me.”

 

You bite back a groan and ignore the heightened heat in your pants. “No.”

 

“Why are you like this?!”

 

“Because we’re supposed to be staying away from each other!”

 

“We both know that’s not happening! We’re-we’re...fucking magnets! You know it!”

 

You do. God, do you. You’re drawn to her in a way you are to no one else. “You’re making this harder than it has to be!” You finally shout.

 

Anger flares in her eyes and her lips purse. She just stares at you like that for a moment before saying anything. “You’re a fucking tease.”

 

“Fine, fine I’m a tease.” You shrug your shoulders. Anything to get this over with. It’s killing you, and you just want to go home and hide from everything. “Can you let go of me now?”

 

“Tell me you’d go back and do it over,” she begs. “Tell me you wouldn’t do that to me.”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Why not?!”

 

“Because! I was scared! I was scared and I didn’t want you to be!”

 

“That’s not fair!”

 

“Nothing about life is fair!” Your voice cracks at that, and you try to keep yourself composed. But it’s true. Life isn’t fair. Not to you.

 

“I hate you!” You shoves you and walks a few steps away, running her hands through her hair. You stand to shake yourself off and watch her. “But I need you. It’s like this...impossible _need_ . And I keep fighting it! But everything about you is _in_ me.”

 

You try to absorb that, and you realize it’s how you feel, too. Would it be so bad? To give in? But then she’d see. She’d know. And she wouldn’t want you anymore.

And maybe that is the the only way to make her go.

 

“It didn’t work,” you say softly. “The chemo...it didn’t work.”

 

She turns around with a frown on her lips. “What?”

 

“When I went back in for a check up, six months later, they said it was back.” The words are hard to say, and you hug yourself as you speak. Your eyes are on the ground again. She isn’t saying anything, so you continue. “They wanted to do a more aggressive round of chemo, but...I couldn’t. The first time was so hard.” You’re struggling to get the rest out. To reveal everything to her. It’s almost harder than the surgery was. “I had a-a mastectomy. Double mastectomy.”

 

The silence in the air between you is killing you. You’re waiting for her to laugh or walk away, but she’s just watching you. You can feel her gaze on you. You feel like you’re on a large stage, naked for the world, or her, to see.

 

“But...wait...what?” She finally whispers. She walks closer, but not too close. You notice that. You glance up and see her eyes on your chest before they flick up to yours. “But you...I mean…” She points at your chest.

 

“It’s a special padded bra,” you say, looking down again. It’s killing you inside, telling her, because even though you expect her to leave, you’re not sure you can handle it. “There’s nothing there,” you mutter. “I’m...having surgery, but until then…” Your hands are trembling and you try hard to keep them still by clenching them.

 

“...Trin,” she whispers. She moves closer but you step back. You glance up again and see hurt in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

You snort. “Because I’m ashamed. Because...you…”

 

“Me what?”

 

You can’t handle the care and concern in her tone. She’s flipped completely, and while you’re used to it, it’s got you reeling. “Because you loved my tits!” You throw a hand up when you shout it. “I can’t see you look at me like...like…”

 

“Are you _serious_ ?” She takes another step closer, her head tilted. “Trini, I don’t care about that. I loved them because they were a part of _you_. I wouldn’t….you think...I wouldn’t want you because of that?”

 

You lift a shoulder in a shrug and look away. Suddenly, you don’t want to talk about it.

 

“You’re stupid,” she says, her voice soft; a scoff. She steps up to you and lifts your chin so you meet her eyes. “Nothing would make me not want you. Everything that you did to me...I still want you. Is that...is that why you didn’t come for me?”

 

You nod, feeling hot tears in the corners of your eyes. This, the gentleness, you weren’t expecting, but she’s so purely Kim. Your heart burns for her.

 

“I hate you,” she whispers sharply. “Because you’re stupid. You’re...so fucking stupid.” You hear the tears in her own voice and she tilts your head back and kisses you softly. You kiss her back for a moment and then you stand there with your lips locked, unmoving. She lets go and pulls back, her hand dropping from your chin. “I’m really offended that you’d think that.” Her voice has gone cold again, and it chills you. “That you’d think I’d...that you wouldn’t come back because…” She shakes her head.

 

“You don’t know what it’s like,” you finally speak up. “To lose a part of you that…makes you a woman.”

 

“You’re still a woman, Trini. A beautiful woman.”

 

You shake your head, those tears still threatening to fall. “I’m not. I’m...scarred and...I’m not beautiful.”

 

“You will always be beautiful,” she says. She reaches out and runs her fingers through your hair. “Disgustingly beautiful.”

 

You try to smile, but that word burns through you. Disgusting. It’s what you truly think you are. “You have to say that.”

 

“Why? Because I’m your ex-girlfriend? I hate you, remember?”

 

“I know,” you whisper.

 

She stares down at you for a long time, and you can’t look back. You keep your gaze lowered. You wonder just what she’s seeing as she looks at you so intensely.

 

“I’m gonna go,” she whispers after awhile. At that, you do look up. Her gaze looks frightened and far away. “I...I’m so mad at you. All over again,” she admits. “If you’d just come back to me...but you thought I wouldn’t accept you. _You_. I can’t...deal with that right now.” She looks away, and suddenly you’d give anything to have her looking at you again.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I know you are. And I know you’ve been scared and dealing with all of this...but I could’ve helped you.”

 

“You wouldn’t have spoken to me.”

 

“I guess we’ll never know,” she says simply. She starts to step away, but returns. Her eyes still look anywhere but at you. “You could never not be beautiful, Trin. With or without tits, you’re the most beautiful woman...ever.”

 

Then she does step away, and you watch her walk across the parking lot, down the sidewalk, and around the corner of the building. You watch her until she’s gone.

 

Her absence is like a hole in your universe; a hole you’re used to but still can’t live around. You take out your keys and get into your car, and you sit there. You think over what she said. You think over the fact that you finally told her. And you wish you hadn’t. You wish you’d kept that ugly secret to yourself. You lean your head back on the headrest and your hand comes up to your chest. You feel the fake breast and sigh. Then you reach under your shirt and slide your hand up under the bra to feel your chest. The incision scar puckers under your touch, and all you feel is flatness. You hate it.

 

The doctor had said he couldn’t perform the surgery until you were at peace with how you look now, but you find that ridiculous. It’s his job to fix what you don’t like. Why find peace with something that won’t be there anymore? You remove your hand and place it on the steering wheel. You ache to have Kim back with you, even if she’s angry and yelling at you. You would take any part of her you can get. She’s a comfort; a familiar blanket. You need her.

 

You turn the car on and pull out of the lot. You turn down the main street and drive slowly until you see her walking on the side of the road. You pull up alongside her, driving slower still, and roll down your window.

 

“Kim, get in.”

 

She looks at you and shakes her head. “Go home, Trini.”

 

“Get in,” you repeat.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because...I need you to not leave yet.”

 

“Didn’t work when I asked the same thing  from you,” she comments, still walking.

 

“I know. Please. Get in.”

 

She finally stops, so you do too, and she stares at you. “Why?”

 

You stare back, unsure what to say. You don’t even know why you’re doing this. You just… “I need you,” you say softly.

 

She watches you a moment longer before stepping forward and opening the door. She sits down and buckles her seatbelt. “Well, where are we going?”

 

You have no idea.


	12. i lit them bridges and i watched them burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> visit my tumblr @ 5ivebyfive to see an awesome banner for this fic and follow for updates! hope you're still enjoying this fic, please comment and let me know what parts you like!
> 
> chapter song: I'm Still In Love With You by Trampled By Turtles

_ "pardon me if I tend to stare.  
but I’m still in love with you." _

* * *

 

_ “Trin?” _

 

_ “Hm?” _

 

_ “Will we buy a house one day?” _

 

_ “Fuck yeah we will.” Your arm is wrapped under her neck and you pull her in to press a kiss to her forehead. “Just as soon as we get real jobs with real salaries.” _

 

_ She looks around at the kitchen above you. “I don’t know...I like this place.” _

 

_ “Babe, this place is disgusting,” you argue. “I can’t even believe I’m naked on this floor.” _

 

_ “You scrubbed it the day we moved in,” she reminds you. You look down at her and stick your tongue out and she laughs. “Why you askin’ that?” _

 

_ “I just...can’t wait.” Her arm tightens around your middle. “Plus, more rooms to have sex in.” _

 

_ “You would think that.” You reach down and tickle her, and she squirms and laughs, and you find yourself grinning. “If only everyone in college knew that top bitch Kimberly Hart was a soft, giggly, dreamer.” _

 

_ She scoffs and grabs your hand before moving to straddle you. She takes hold of your other hand and holds both to the floor above your head. “You take that back.” _

 

_ “Or what?” You raise a brow, and you know you’re still grinning, but you’ve never been happier in your life. _

 

_ “You think I’m the only one with a rep to uphold? Ms. Dark and Broody?” _

 

_ “I am not dark and broody!” _

 

_ “Uhh, yes you are.” She’s leaning right over your head, her brown eyes -- soft and satiated -- staring down into your own.  _

 

_ “What’re you gonna do to me?” You ask in your most innocent tone. _

 

_ “Hmm…” She looks away, thinking for a moment, then she lets go of your hands and starts tickling you. _

 

_ “Ohmigod, stop! Stop!” You wouldn’t let your worst enemy know that you’re ticklish, but she knows everything about you. She’s also relentless. You’re flailing about, trying to get her off of you, but she also has incredibly strong thighs that are holding her in place. “What do you want?!” _

 

_ “I want...fajitas.” _

 

_ “Okay! Okay! I’ll make you fajitas!” _

 

_ “Naked fajitas.” _

 

_ “Kim! I could burn sensitive areas!” _

 

_ “Don’t worry,” she says, halting her tickling and leaning down to your lips. “I’ll kiss them all better.” Then she kisses you. _

 

You ended up at the old mines, parked by the abandoned entrance. Neither of you have spoken in the near half hour that you’ve been there, but you’re now both sitting in your seats staring forward at the chain link fence that is supposed to keep people out. You keep trying to think of something to say,  _ anything _ , but your mind is blank. It feels like you’ve both said everything there is to be said, but at the same time it feels like there is so much more left to say. Your lips part, barely open to form words, and she speaks.

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t trust me to accept you however you are,” she says softly. 

 

“A part of me didn’t want to give you the chance,” you reply, your words scratchy. “It would mean I would’ve had to accept myself and…”

 

“And you’re still not ready to?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, you’re not going to get anywhere until you do,” she says matter-of-factly. Like you didn’t know it already. 

 

“I’m sorry I offended you.”

 

“You’re sorry,” she huffs. “You’re always sorry.”

 

“Well what else do you want me to say?!” You turn your head to look at her, but she won’t do the same. She may as well have lasers coming out of her eyes and into the fence.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“What about you? Where will you get if you stay mad at me?”

 

“My anger towards you fuels me through life,” she says lowly.

 

“That’s healthy,” you snort. She doesn’t say anything so you go back to being quiet. You look ahead. You wish you could do something to help her, to make her not hate you, both for her sanity and your own. It’s selfish, you know, but sometimes you’re a selfish person. You stay quiet with your thoughts for awhile, but then you can’t take it anymore. “I don’t get it,” you say. “You know why I did what I did. Why are you still so pissed off?”

 

“You think almost dying gets you out of ex-girlfriend jail? You still broke my heart, you still lied to me, and to top it off after everything we’d been through together you didn’t trust me. And that might be what I’m the most pissed off about. Wait, no, it’s the breaking my heart. Making me feel worthless and confused.” You glance over and she’s nodding to herself, and you sigh.

 

“I want to make it right.”

 

She’s quiet for a moment and then she finally looks over and meets your eyes. “I don’t know if you can, Trini. You just have to accept that.”

 

You don’t know what to say so you sigh again and lean your head to the headrest, still turned sideways to look at her. After a minute she does the same, mirroring you, and you both sit there and watch one another. Time creeps by, but you can’t look away from her eyes. After what feels like an eternity, but is really twenty minutes, she finally moves, and it’s to reach out and brush your hair from your eyes. Her touch lingers before she pulls it away. 

 

“I know this is gonna sound really selfish, but...well, it’s me...did you think about me? When you were in the hospital?” Her eyes look hopeful but fearful at the same time as she asks. 

 

“Constantly,” you answer without pause. 

 

“What did you think?”

 

“I thought about your eyes, and your nose,” you say with a little smile. “I thought about your arms, and having them around me. I thought...about a house, and Callie. And I thought about Penelope.”

 

“...you did?” Her brows furrow and you’re not sure if it’s a good thing or not.

 

“Yeah,” you whisper. “A lot.”

 

“I did, too,” she admits, looking down. “Sometimes I’d drink to stop thinking about her.”

 

“Don’t. Don’t talk about that.” Your gaze drops. “I don’t like hearing about that part of your life.”

 

“Well...tough shit,” she says. You quickly glance up again. “You can’t choose what parts of my life to hear about.”

 

You know she’s right, but you don’t like it. “Do you...want to talk about it more?”

 

“Which part? The daughter that we named that we’ll never have or my drinking?”

 

Your eyes are locked together again, and you make an effort not to break it. “Either.”

 

She sighs deeply, still staring at you, and is quiet for awhile. Then she starts talking. “At first it was just to let loose, have some fun, but then...I started to realize that I liked -- or thought I liked -- who I was when I was drinking. When I would start I wouldn’t be sad. It’d be fun and...I guess, carefree. But if I drank too much, I was miserable. I thought about you, and Callie, and Penelope, and the family I wanted to have. I’d be crying in the bathroom and...thinking some pretty dark things. I thought I was unlovable, unwanted, and it...tore me apart. And I never knew where the line was. When it went from fun to heartbreaking.”

 

You don’t realize you’re crying until she moves her thumb against your cheeks to wipe away the tears. You wrap your hand around her wrist to keep her close and study her desperately. You know that you did this to her, and it breaks your heart. You knew then that you’d be hurting her, but you honestly thought she could move on from you and be okay. You never thought everything would end up like this.

 

You lean forward and kiss her deeply and slowly. She tugs her hand free and runs her fingers through your short locks then down the back of your neck. Your hand moves down against her hip and she moves forward the best that she can in your positions. You kiss her until you can’t kiss her anymore, your fingers digging into her hip. You part, breathless and lips raw, and stare at each other again. You can see in her dark eyes what she wants. It’s what she’s wanted all night. But now, now you’re ready to give in. You need to explore her body and worship every inch of it.

“Get in the backseat,” you whisper. She moves all too quickly, climbing past you and into the back. You shed your jacket and follow. She lays down along the seat and grabs you when you’re close enough, and you fall against her body and you seamlessly start kissing again. You know she’s cramped, but she doesn’t seem to care. She’s kissing you with a deep passion and running her hands up and down your back. Your hand starts on her hip but soon slips under the front of her shirt and settles on her stomach, and you feel her abs beneath your fingertips. You need more. You need to see her.

 

You push her shirt up her body and she leans up the best that she can so you can tug it over her head, and you throw it into the front seat. You stare at her skin, her chest, her pink lacy bra ( she knew you’d see it tonight ) and you try to remember how to breathe. She grabs your face and pulls you back into a searing kiss as she lays back again. Your hand moves up her body and under the seam of her bra. You hesitate before pushing the cup up over her breast. Your thumb runs along the underside of it, tracing the shape, before brushing up against her nipple. She bites your lip and you groan. You take her full breast in your hand and squeeze it and she whimpers into your mouth. You do it again, harder like you know she likes, and she stops kissing you and slaps your hand away.

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

Your mouth gapes and moves wordlessly as you lean back on your knees. She lays there, panting for breath, and doesn’t look at you. You feel confused, like you did something wrong but you don’t know what.

 

“What?” Is all you can say.

 

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and shakes her head. “I didn’t mean it. Come on, let’s...just come back.” She waves her hand at you. You don’t move.

 

“No, what was that?”

 

“It’s...it’s nothing,” she insists. “Trini, come on, I  _ want _ you to touch me.”

 

You shake your head and let your eyes drop. “Some part of you doesn’t.”

 

“Well, no shit Sherlock,” she snaps. 

 

Your hands come up in surrender. “I’m not doing this.”

 

“No,” she whines. “I want it, I do.”

 

“But?”

 

“But...god,” she sighs. “Not...intimately. Just...just dirty, like the other night. That’s what I want.”

 

You digest that slowly. Do you want that? You want it intimate, you want to take your time, but you’re also dying for a release. Dying to give her a release. You can make it meaningless, right? You lick your lips and shift above her. 

 

“Sit up,” you say. She does, and you sit back in the seat. “Sit in my lap.”

 

“Yes ma’am,” she says with a smirk. She makes the awkward move to climb over onto your lap, facing you, and as she does you notice something you didn’t before. A tattoo on the side of her ribs. You hold her still and turn your head so you can get a better look. It’s a little red heart with the words “Trini Sucks” scrawled across it. You raise a brow and look up at her as she settles down.

 

“I was drunk and angry,” she explains. “It was actually really therapeutic.”

 

You roll your eyes, your hands settling on her hips, and you want to say something about it, but you don’t want to fight. Instead, you smile darkly at her as you reach behind her back to unclasp her bra. “Well,” you say instead. “We should make that true.” 

 

“What...oh…” She smiles as you remove her bra. “Go ahead.” Her boobs are in your face, and you love it. You keep a hand to her back and lean forward to suck a nipple between your lips. She gasps and arches into you, and you flick your tongue over her nipple and suck harder. “Oh! Trin…” Her hand is on the back of your head, pushing your face into her chest, and you do it again. You’re so caught up in her sounds, and the taste of her skin, that you’re not thinking about your own lack of breasts at the moment. You could easily get upset, get jealous, but right now you’re lost in her. You release her nipple and bite into her breast softly, enough to leave a mark, and move on to the other one. You kiss around her breast for a moment, teasingly, before her whines make you take hold of that nipple with your teeth. You run them against it lightly and she moans, and her hips start to rock down into yours. You close your mouth over the nipple and suck on it, and her rocking gets more desperate. 

 

“Touch me,” she begs. 

 

You ignore her and continue lavishing her breast. She whines and whimpers and begs your name. You release it with a pop and look up at her. Her eyes are closed and her head is tilted back. She’s beautiful. You continue watching her and move your hand down her stomach and waist and press it between her legs over her jeans.

 

“Not enough.”

 

You unsnap her jeans and tug at them, and she lifts herself off your lap. It’s a struggle, but between the two of you you’re able to get her jeans off ( even if she hit her head on the roof of the car ). She kicks off her panties, too and settles back down, and you’re gone. She’s completely naked. For you. She’s as stunning as you remember. Your hand reverently slides down her side and you take in every angle and every curve of her.

 

“Trini, stop.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“You’re...you’re doing it again.”

 

“God, Kim, I can’t help it! I haven’t seen you like this in years. You’re beautiful.”

 

“No!” She shoves your hand off of her. “Just fuck me. Don’t...don’t do  _ that _ .”

 

Your jaw sets. She’s always been a bit bossy, and you were never one to take it. You don’t want to now. “Stop telling me how to do this,” you say. 

 

“No! I don’t want it like that!” She starts to climb off of you but you grab her wrist. “Let go!”

 

“Let me-”

 

“But I can’t- I feel- this is-” She’s shaking her head and struggling against you to get her wrist free. “I just wanted you to  _ fuck _ me.”

 

“I can’t do that.” You let go of her wrist, but she doesn’t move. Her chin is trembling. She looks somewhere over your shoulder and shakes her head again.

 

“Dammit,” she hisses. There are tears in her eyes and she tilts her head back to keep them in. “You don’t...get it.”

 

“Then make me.”

 

“Every time...every  _ time  _ I had sex with someone...I pretended it was  _ you _ ,” she says, her voice weak. “And every time someone made me come I...cried...because it  _ wasn’t _ you.” She wipes at her face and brings it up to look at you. “So I’m not ready to be with you and...it mean something. I need it to mean nothing.”

 

You’re not sure what to do with all that information so you sit there a moment and let it sink in. Then you look up to meet her gaze. “I can’t have sex with you without it meaning something,” you say, reluctantly. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Then this was a mistake.” She grabs her panties and starts to twist around to get them on. You slide out from under her and step out of the car, closing the door behind you to give her privacy, and you walk a few steps away and stare up at the stars above you. They’re so bright where you are, without lights nearby, and you can’t look away. You wonder if you really could make a wish on a star and it come true. You close your eyes and take a breath, and you feel her come to your side. You keep your eyes closed.

 

“Thank you,” she murmurs.

 

“What for?”

 

“Stopping.”

 

You snort softly. “What kind of tool would I be if I didn’t?”

 

“You’d be surprised.”

 

You open your eyes and turn your head to look at her. “What does that mean?”

 

“Nothing,” she says, shaking her head. “I’ve just...been with some pretty shady people.”

 

“Who didn’t stop when you said stop?” You feel a burning anger rising in you. 

 

“No. More like they talked me into it when I didn’t want to. But then I’d agree. It was all consensual.”

 

“Doesn’t sound like it,” you mutter. You’re still angry, and if anyone else were there with you you’d probably punch them to get it out of your system.

 

“It’s...different when you’re drunk or high.”

 

“No the hell it isn’t.”

 

“It was,” she argues. “It was easy to change my mind most nights. I’d be out of my mind and just want to lie down, but then...I don’t know. The idea of being close to someone felt...good.” She’s looking at her feet and you’re studying her profile. You’re not sure if she’s telling the truth or not, but you’re equally unsure if you could handle the truth.

 

“As long as no one forced you,” you say, giving up.

 

“No.”

 

“Good.”

 

You’re both quiet for a long time, and you go back to watching the stars. The world is so quiet around you that you actually hear her open her mouth.

 

“If we had fucked,” she says, and you clench your jaw at her choice of phrase, “Would you have taken your shirt off?”

 

“No.” You answer it quickly, not needing time to think. 

 

“Because you don’t trust me?”

 

“Because...I’m not ready to be...that bare. For anyone,” you say honestly.

 

“That’s how it is for me and...the way you want to do it,” she says. “I feel like I’d be bare in front of you for the first time, and...I’m not ready for that.”

 

“You were completely naked,” you remind her.

 

“Bare in a different way,” she says. “Like-”

 

“You don’t have to explain it,” you say. “I get it.”

 

“Bu-uut...if you change your mind and want to do it my way...you know how to find me.”

 

“Did you just give me, the person you hate most, an open door to sex?”

 

“What? Hate sex could be hot,” she says, a smirk in her tone.

 

“Oh god, get in the car, Hart. I’m driving you home.”


	13. this is the moment i surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update, but hopefully you'll like it. Let me know in the comments.
> 
> Chapter title from Surrender by Walk The Moon.

_ "iif all that I could ever be  
was the best ex-lover of your life" _

 

* * *

 

A couple of nights later you find yourself climbing out your bedroom window and onto the roof below it. It’s a good place to sit and think. You’ve barely had time to stretch out and look up at the stars before Tommy comes out and sits beside you.

 

“I don’t remember inviting you,” you say.

 

“It’s my house,” she replies. You roll your eyes. “So...what’s going on?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Kimberly Hart.”

 

“What about her?” You don’t take your eyes off the sky.

 

“Have you talked to her since the other night?”

 

“No,” you reply. It doesn’t mean you haven’t wanted to.

 

“Have you figured out what you’re going to do?”

 

“I think so…” You chew on your lip for a moment before looking over at her. “I need to move, T. And I’m not asking you to come with me.”

 

Tommy stares back at you, quiet for once in her life, and your heart is pounding. You know she moved here for you, but you can’t stay. “What?” She finally asks.

 

“Me and Kim...we tried the co-existing thing and….we just can’t do it.  _ I _ can’t do it. I can’t be in the same town as her.”

 

“So...you want to leave?”

 

“I thought I’d go to L.A. Be closer for my appointments and whatever.” You don’t like the idea of leaving Tommy. You need her. She’s been there for you so much and you’ve become used to it. But you have to do something for yourself, even if it’s selfish.

 

Tommy is quiet for a long time, having turned her head to look across the back lawn, and after awhile she speaks up. “I don’t think my dad would buy me another place, but I can come out there with you for awhile. Help you settle in.” She doesn’t sound excited about it.

 

“You’d do that?” You’re surprised that she’s coming around so soon, so easily, but at the same time it’s Tommy and she’s always full of surprises. 

 

“Yeah, of course. Do you think you could find somewhere to live?”

 

“I mean...yeah. I might have enough for a deposit on an apartment. Or...a room. It’s L.A. It ain’t cheap.”

 

“Are you sure you want to leave?”

 

“I don’t  _ want _ to leave,” you say. “I need to leave. I need to not be near her, not keep having the same fights with her. And...it’ll be better for her, too. She doesn’t want me around.”

 

“Did she say that?”

“She doesn’t hafta. I know her.”

 

Tommy sighs and leans back on her hands. “If you’re serious about going to L.A….I’ll lend you some money. I don’t want you staying somewhere unsafe.”

 

“No. I’m not takin’ your money.”

 

“Yeah, you are. And you’re gonna find a cool place that I can come visit you in.”

 

You try not to get emotional, but you seem to be emotional a lot lately. You nod your head. “Okay,” you agree. “But I’m payin’ you back.”

 

“Okay,” she says. She’s quiet for a bit and you just look at the stars again. You almost don’t hear her when she opens her mouth again. “Are you gonna tell her?”

 

“That I’m leavin’? I dunno. Don’t think it matters.”

 

“You should tell her,” Tommy advises. “Even if she hates you, she deserves to know instead of you just disappearing.”

 

“I guess you’re right,” you say reluctantly. The idea of seeing Kim again doesn’t exactly sit well with you.

 

“Better get going. She might be asleep soon.”

 

You blink. Then look at her. “You mean now?”

 

“No time like the present.”

 

“No. I’ll...wait until I have some plans in place.”

 

“And then she’ll be pissed you waited to tell her.”

 

“Tommy. I’m not...I can’t…”

 

“Stop whining and go talk to her,” Tommy says. “Rip the band-aid off.”

 

“I hate you sometimes.”

 

“I know, but you love me.” She smirks at you and you shake your head. “If you don’t go talk to her now, I rescind my offer to loan you money.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Dead serious.”

 

“Why do you want me to go talk to her right now so badly?”

 

“Because. You’ll end up hurting her again, and then you’ll start hating yourself more, and I really hate when you do that,” she says sincerely. 

 

You think about that, and you realize she’s probably right. And yeah, Kim would be pissed not to know right away. You grumble as you get up and wipe your backside off. “You suck,” you mutter, opening the window. You crawl through it and hop into your room. You grab your bomber jacket and tug it on, then slide into your favorite yellow Pumas for luck. You head out the door, shaking your head to yourself. You don’t even know if Kim will want to see you. She might tell you to leave. Well, if she does, at least you tried.

 

* * *

 

 

When you get to Kim’s house it looks dark. Her mom’s car is in the driveway. You hesitate. You don’t want to wake her mom up if she’s asleep. You don’t really want to see her mom at all. Kim’s mom loves you. Or loved. You don’t know how she feels about you now. But you don’t want to find out.

 

You walk around the side of the house and look at all the windows. They’re all dark. Until you see one, faintly lit, with pink sheer curtains. You stop. It has to be Kim’s room. You look around and see a tree that crawls up the side of the house. Mind set, you jump to grasp onto a lower branch and you climb up the tree. You feel silly, like a teenager, but it’s better than ringing the doorbell. 

 

You get to the window and peer in. You can’t see much, just outlines. You take a deep breath before knocking. Soon there’s a shadow in the window and the pink drapes swish open. KIm is standing there holding a hand over her heart, eyes wide. Then her eyes narrow and she sets her jaw. You try to give her an apologetic look. She leans down to open the window.

 

“What that actual fuck, Trini? You scared the shit out of me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” you say, your voice croaky. 

 

“What are you doing here? Wait, is this a booty call?”

 

“What?” You nearly squeak. “No. No, it’s...I need to talk to you.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “Haven’t we done enough of that?”

 

“This is different.”

 

“I don’t know that I should let you in.” She crosses her arms, and she looks very serious.

 

“I’m not talking to you from a tree.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it’s important! Please just let me in.”

 

Kim looks like she’s thinking about it for a moment, but then she steps aside. “Come in, Trini,” she says dully.

 

You scramble in through the window and almost fall on your face on her pale pink carpet. You catch yourself luckily. “Hey,” you say, lamely.

 

“What do you want?”

 

You clench your fists at your side, relax them, and clench them again. “I’m leaving,” you say quickly.

 

“But you just got here.”

 

“No. Angel Grove. I’m…I’m leaving Angel Grove.”

 

She stares at you as though you just unleashed a plot to take over the world. Her head shakes. “Sorry...what?”

 

Your eyes fall to the floor. “I can’t...be here anymore. You don’t want me here. So, it’s best if I leave.”

 

“It’s best?” She laughs. You glance up through your lashes and watch her swipe her fingers through her hair and step back. “Oh god,” she says, lightly laughing still, “It’s  _ best _ . Right.”

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“You’re running away again, Trini. At least tell it like it is.” Her voice goes cold, no more laughter.

 

“I’m not,” you insist. “I moved here because....I don’t even know why, but it was a mistake.”

 

“So seeing me again was a mistake?”

 

“No! You’re twisting my words.”

 

“You said coming here was a mistake. Coming here meant seeing me, telling me the real reason you left...therefore, seeing me again was a mistake. No word twisting needed.”

 

“Kim…” You sigh and look at her straightforward. “We can’t both live here and find any...kind of normal. There’s too much between us. This is too small of a town.”

 

She steps forward, a heated rage in her eyes. “Admit that you’re running away again.”

 

“Fine,” you relent. “If that’s what you want me to say.”

 

“I want you to say it because it’s true!” She says, raising her voice. “I mean, sure, sometimes I wish you’d fall into a fiery pit, but at least I have the courage to be here. You? You’re just weak.”

 

You look down again. Looking at her is hard. You hate seeing her angry at you. “I need to do this for myself.”

 

“And what about me? You swoop into town, drop that bombshell on me, then take off? What am I supposed to do with that?”

 

“We’ll both have a better chance at finding peace of mind if we’re not constantly in each other’s faces,” you tell her.

 

“Fine. Do what you want. You’ve never taken my feelings into consideration anyway.” 

 

You look up, eyes narrowing in disbelief, and watch her walk across the room with her back to you. “I left for you,” you say quietly, sharply. “So you wouldn’t have to deal with watching me…” You lick your lips. “I broke my heart for  _ you _ . Because you were the...everything I considered.”

 

She turns around. “You left for you. Just like you’re doing now.”

 

You realize that you’re only going to fight in circles, so you relax your stance. “Okay. If that’s how you feel.”

 

Kim stares at you, and you can see in her eyes that she wants to fight. She takes a step forward. “Just like that?”

 

“Just like that.”

 

“And you’re still going to leave?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She walks closer. “Then I want a real goodbye.”

 

“A real…” your words fade as you realize what she means.

 

“No.”

 

She reaches out for your face, but you step back. “Kim, no.”

 

“I still want you,” she whispers. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

 

“I still...can’t.”

 

“I get that you don’t want me to see you that way,” she says, suddenly soft, “But it doesn’t matter to me.”

 

“It matters to me,” you say. Besides, you’re not sure if you could actually leave her if the two of you slept together.

 

“Okay.” She nods and steps back. You see disappointment on her face.

 

“You were mad at me five seconds ago.”

 

“Oh, I still am,” she nods. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

 

“As long as it’s down and dirty.”

 

“Yep.”

 

You shake your head and run your fingers through your hair. “You’re so confusing, Kimbely Hart.”

 

“You’re just now figuring that out?”

 

That coaxes a small smile out of you. “No. I’ve always known. Lovable insufferability.” 

 

“I like that.”

 

You nod. You both fall silent, and you’re not sure what else there is to say. You should probably turn and go, but you’re not sure if you’ll ever see her again, and it makes you want to stand there forever. You lift your head to look at her, and she’s staring at you. Her eyes are moving as though she’s reading you, memorizing you, and you can’t help but do the same.

 

( Like you’d ever forget anything about her. )

 

“You’re really leaving me again,” she says softly after awhile.

 

“I have to.”

 

“I’m not ready.” There’s a raw vulnerability to her voice that has you stepping up to her and drawing her fingers through her hair.

 

“Me either.”

 

“So don’t.”

 

“Kim.”

 

Her response is to duck forward and kiss your lips. You want to pull away, you know you should pull away, but you’re kissing her back. It’s a deep and hungry kiss, and your hand moves to the back of her head. Her hands fall to your hips, and you kiss until your lips are raw. You both break apart and look at one another, breathing hard, and you stare into her beautiful eyes. For just a moment, it almost feels like old times. Like a lifetime hasn’t happened between you, like you were never apart. 

 

And you know. You know if you walk away right now you’ll regret it forever. So you push her back towards her bed, and when the backs of her knees hit it, she sits down. You stare at her, stunned by her beauty, and you push her back as you climb over her.

 

“I can do this, but not your way,” you whisper.

 

She stares up at you and nods. “Just take me.”

 

You lean down to kiss her again and press your whole body to hers, and immediately you feel lit up all over. Warm. Her hands run up and down your back and down to the bottom of your shirt before starting to slide beneath it. You pull up. “Off limits.”

 

“Trini-”

 

“You have the rest of me,” you whisper. Then you lift your hips so you can slide your hand up her stomach, pushing her tank top with. She nods and lifts her arms, and you push the shirt until it’s up and over her arms. You lean down and start spreading kisses across her chest. Her hands go to your ass and you smirk into her skin. You continue peppering kisses over her skin. After a bit you reach under her to get her bra free and take it off. You stare at her breasts for a moment then lean down and kiss them. You kiss, bite, and suck, and she’s moaning. Her moans make the fire in your gut grow. Your hips start rocking into hers and she holds tight to your ass.

 

“Trin,” she whispers breathlessly.

 

You slide your hand down into her sweatpants, and you cup her over her panties. She whimpers. You kiss her again while rubbing her clit over the cloth in slow circles. Her hips jerk up and you push them down with your own.

 

Kim whines. “Wait...stop.” You lift your head to look down at her and your hand stills. She looks like she’s counting her breaths, and her eyes are squeezed shut.

 

“You want to stop?’

 

“Yes.... _ no _ . I don’t know.” You watch as a couple of tears break from the corners of her eyes. “Fuck. I want this,” she insists. “I do.”

 

“We can stop.”

 

“I just...god, this is so hard.” 

 

“I know,” you whisper. You withdraw your hand and lean it on the bed. “It’s your call.”

 

She opens her eyes, reddened and dark, and she looks at you. “Just...give me a minute.”

 

You nod and roll off of her. She sits up and rubs her face, taking deep breaths. “I do want you,” she says quietly. “But part of me…”

 

“Hates me,” you finish.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I get it.”

 

“Take your pants off,” she says.

 

“What?”

 

“I think it will help if you take off your pants. Boxers, too.”

 

You blink for a moment, wondering how it got there so fast, but then you nod. You lean back and push your pants and boxers down and kick them to the floor. She looks you over and nods. “Do you wanna take off your own pants?” You ask.

 

“Yeah,” she says. She pushes the sweatpants down and to the floor, her panties, too. Now Kim is naked, and you’re in only a shirt, and you stare at one another. “I think I’m okay,” she says.

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah…” She crawls across the bed to you and straddles you, and it’s so hot you gasp. She grins as her lips find yours, so you kiss her. She lowers her hips to yours and starts rocking into you. You grip onto her arm tightly. It feels good, but it’s not enough. It can’t be. But you go with it for awhile, working yourself and her up, until she pushes you onto your back and lays against you.

 

“But I was gonna-” you start against her lips, and she cuts you off.

 

“Relax,” she whispers. Her hand slides down your clothed stomach and down between your legs. Your eyes fall shut when her fingers swipe through your folds. Your forgot how nice her fingers feel. “Fuck,” she murmurs. “You’re so wet.”

 

“Have you seen you?” 

 

That makes her chuckle. She kisses the edge of your lips, then your jaw. Then her tongue sticks out and slips down the line of your jaw as two fingers push into you slowly. You gasp out, your hips jerk up, and she nips at your chin. “Kim,” you murmur.

 

“I’ve got you.”

 

That’s what scares you. You nod, though. She starts to move her fingers, slow at first, but then faster, and soon you’re lost in a delirious state of pleasure. She kisses you again, your kiss in return sloppy, and she’s slamming into you. You’re lost in the feel of it, the sounds, your own moans. Then she slides her lips across your cheek to your ear.

 

“Does that feel good?” She whispers. 

 

“Uh...huh,” is all you can respond with. Her fingers are curling and hitting your g-spot, and your toes curl.

 

“You feel so good on my fingers,” she says, huskily. “God, I love fucking you.” You only whine back. She nips your earlobe. “Do you wanna come for me?” You nod. Her fingers pull out. 

 

“Kim,” you whine.

 

“Ssh.”

 

She slides down your body slowly until she can kiss the inside of your thigh, and you feel yourself tremble. She blows a breath of air against you, and you just know she’s smirking at her power over you in the moment. She’s enjoying it. There’s nothing for a moment. Then her tongue swipes through you and you moan louder. She reaches up and slaps your lips the best she can reach. 

“Don’t wake my mom,” she hisses. You nod. Her tongue runs through you again, and you know you aren’t going to last long. Her fingers enter you again, and her lips fall against your clit. She licks it and sucks it while her fingers move inside of you, and you’re taken back. Back to better days, when there was so much love between you two, so much happiness. Your body is tightening, your walls closing against her fingers, and she sucks your clit harder, and you come. It’s intense and hard, and you’re gripping the bedding beneath you as you clamp your mouth shut and try to stay quiet. You want to scream out. It feels so good, and you don’t know how you contain yourself, but you do. Your body shakes and trembles in the aftermath of your orgasm, and she’s licking you gently. You reach for her and tug her up. She climbs up your body and looks down at you, and you tug her face down to kiss her deeply. You can’t stop kissing her. You love kissing her. She eventually pulls back.

 

“How was that?”

 

“So. Fucking. Good,” you pant.

 

“Good.” The smirk on her lips is just so  _ her _ and you’re overcome with the need to have her, to please her, and you pounce and flip her under you. She shrieks and you cover her mouth.

 

“Ssh,” you say in reminder. She licks your palm and you pull it away. “Gross.”

 

“You’re gross.”

 

“Ssh,” you say again. You press your thigh between her legs, pressing up between them, and you kiss her again. It’s a slow, lazy kiss, but as your thigh rocks into her more it heats up. Soon you’re kissing in a desperate way, and she’s clawing your back. “What do you want?” You murmur.

 

“You.”

 

“Me, what?” You tease.

 

She grunts and nips your bottom lip. “Fuck me.”

 

“Please?”

 

“Fuck me,” she repeats.

 

Your hand moves down her side, her hip, then around her thigh. You move your leg out of the way, and she spreads her legs for you. You stare into her eyes as you run your fingers through her, and you watch her mouth drop open in a silent gasp. She’s so warm, so wet, and your heart pounds. Her scent overwhelms you. It’s so familiar, but foreign at the same time. You try not to think about it. Instead you flick at her clit and rub through her folds again. She whimpers. “Are you ready?” you whisper.

 

She nods. Fervently. So you take two fingers and gently slide them into her. Your eyes close and nearly roll back in your head at the feel of being inside of her again. You hear her strangled cry as she tries to keep quiet, and you wonder if she’ll be able to. She’s not exactly a quiet kind of girl at times like this. You take a breath and start moving your fingers. You hear her soft ‘ _ Yes _ ’ and continue. Your eyes open and you look up at her. Her head is leaned back, her eyes closed, and she’s biting down on her lip. She’s gorgeous. You just want to please her. Your fingers pick up speed and her whimpers increase. You lean down and kiss her breasts again. The rise of them, the valley between them, and you take one of her nipples into your mouth. Your fingers are working hard and fast, so your mouth works slow. Reverently. 

 

“Trini,” she whimpers, and you pull your lips from the other nipple you had been working on and just rest your forehead to her breast. You move your thumb up to her clit and circle it, slowly at first, then faster. “Trini,” she says again, sharper. “Fuck, Trini…”

 

It sounds so good to you. 

 

“Trini,” she says, her voice cracking. You look up and see tears on her cheeks. You lean up and kiss her cheek gently. “Fuck you,” she cries softly. More tears fall. 

 

“Do you want me to stop?”

 

“No. Don’t stop. Don’t stop, please.”

 

“Okay,” you whisper. Your foreheads come together, and you close your eyes. You listen to her cry softly, and your heart tears. You know you did this to her, and you can never take it back. 

 

“God, I’m gonna…” 

 

You can feel her body preparing and you nod. “I know. Just let it go.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“I know.”

 

And in the next moment, she comes. You help her ride it through, slowing your fingers to a stop. You stare down at her and watch her face. Her eyes are squeezed shut and there’s so much pain on her face. Your fingers are still inside of her, but you don’t want to move.

 

“Are you okay?” You finally ask. She looks up at you.

 

“Why are you leaving me again?” Her voice is so pained, so small, and you don’t know how to respond. Instead, you pull your fingers free and roll off of her. You both lay on your backs and stare up at the ceiling, and after a few minutes you turn your head to look over at her. Her eyes are closed.

 

“Kim?” You ask. She doesn’t respond. “Are you asleep?” No response. You lean on your side and get close to her. Her breathing doesn’t sound like she’s sleeping, but she must be. Right? You debate in your head for several moments, but then you sigh. You lean in and kiss the side of her head. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. And you get up and pull on your boxers and your pants, and you leave. Out the window, down the tree, and a long walk home.

 

The whole walk home, all you can think about is the feel of Kim. The sounds she made. How...comforting it all felt. But there had still been something missing. Your connection had been flawed. You know it was your fault. It’s always your fault.

 

Kim wasn’t asleep, you accept. She just wanted you to leave.

 

You were leaving.

 

Again.


	14. take my body, it's so right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short update. It's 90% smut and 10% angst, so if you wanna skip over it you won't miss too much and I won't be offended. That being said, I hope you enjoy! Please comment and let me know!
> 
> Chapter title from Go All Night by Kelala

_"take my body, it's so right_   
_tired, but we go all night"_

 

* * *

 

 

The next night you’re sprawled on your bed looking on your laptop at apartments in L.A. You aren’t sure how you will even afford it, but you’re still convinced you need to leave. It’s for the best.

 

The doorbell rings and you frown. You aren’t expecting anyone, and Tommy is out. You drag yourself off the bed and pad out to the front room. You’re in your pajamas, but you don’t care. You swing the door open and find yourself face to face with Kim. In a trench coat. And heels. You raise a brow.

 

“Help you?” You ask.

 

She walks in and you step backwards to allow her. You know you don’t have a choice. She looks around. “Is Tommy home?” She pushes the door shut behind herself.

 

“No…” You’re still frowning. You have no idea what she’s doing here. You were sure the night before was your goodbye. “Kim. What-”

 

She tugs at the tie to her coat and pulls it open. Beneath it, she’s wearing the skimpiest, lacy yellow lingerie you’ve ever seen. “I was giving all of this some thought…” she begins, walking towards you again. You back up. She’s still holding her coat open and you can’t tear your eyes away from her body. Which, you know, is exactly what she wants. “And what I came up with is…” Again, she steps towards you, and you back up into the wall. She smirks devilishly. “You owe me.”

 

“O-owe?” You gulp and drag your eyes up her body to her face. 

 

“Owe. Lots of hot, dirty sex. And I’m cashing in.” She’s inches from you, and she looks  _ so _ good. 

 

“What? No. No, we’re not-we can’t-”

 

“Oh, we can. And we are. You’re running away in two weeks? Fine. Until then, I get you every way I want you.” She lets the coat fall to the floor and runs her fingers through her hair, and you’re not sure how you’re supposed to deny her. 

 

You still try.

 

“Kim…” Her hand slowly slides down her throat and chest, and she aims the sexiest, deadliest look at you, and...well... _ you tried _ . “Okay.” You nod. You reach for her and tug her close, and she’s pressing you back to the wall and kissing you. Your hands slide all over her smooth skin, down her hips, and around to her ass. You pull her in closer, but she pulls away.

 

“We’re doing this my way,” she whispers. Then she lets go of you and turns away. “Which room is yours?”

 

“D-down the hall. Left,” you answer, needing air in your lungs. She starts to walk, and you watch her hips and ass move. She’s incredible. You follow on shaky legs and point to your door. “There.” She pushes the door open and turns to look at you. You just take a moment to drink her in. How you tried to deny her anything, you don’t know. “You’re so hot,” you whisper.

 

“I know,” she replies. She takes your hand and tugs you through the door, and you move with her to the bed. She pushes you back roughly and you land on your back. Before you can try to sit up she climbs on top of you and straddles your waist, and you are so very gay.

 

She looks at the laptop, open on your bed, and her eyes narrow. She gets off of you, much to your dismay, and crawls over to it. She peers at it for a moment, open on one of the apartments, before slamming it shut and pushing it off the bed.

 

“Kim!” You reach to try and catch it, but she grabs your hand and climbs back on top of you.

 

“That’s not important.” She slides her hands up your stomach under your shirt, and your heart starts to pound and you’ve forgotten all about the laptop. And you don’t stop her. Her touch feels so good. Her brow raises and she slides her hands up your ribs, and then panic sets in. You quickly grab her hands and pull them from your shirt. You hold onto her wrists.

 

“No, Kim,” you say sharply.

 

“I want to see all of you.”

 

“No.”

 

She hums and looks down at her wrists. “You plan on doing something?” You tighten your hold before leaning up and bringing her hands up to gently kiss her knuckles on each hand. “Trini…” She shakes her head and pulls her hands away. “This isn’t going to be like last time. You know what I want.”

 

You fall back and stare at the ceiling. It feels like she has a lot of rules about how this can go, and while you’re willing to follow them for her, you don’t like it. You don’t just want to fuck her.

 

“Show me what you want,” you finally murmur. She beams. 

 

“Well, to start, I want your pants off.” She slides off of you and off of the bed, and she grabs the waist of your sweatpants and tugs them down your legs. You kick out of them and she moves back up for your boxers, and you watch her move slowly but purposefully. She keeps giving you this sexy, pouty look, and it’s driving you crazy. She climbs back onto your hips and sits down. “Much better.”

 

“You’re still dressed,” you say. “Sort of.”

 

“I know.” She tosses her hair back and starts to slowly grind against your hips. Your eyes slide shut and you let yourself enjoy the feeling. The spark. The warmth. When you open your eyes in the next moment to tell her you want more, you see her rubbing and tweaking her nipples through her bra, and you groan. “Remember when we bought that book of sex positions and we tried to do every one?” She asks, breathily.

 

You lick your lips. “Yeah, I remember.”

 

“Let’s do some of those tonight.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Her hips stop moving and you whine softly. She smirks. “Sit up.” You do as she says. She moves over into your lap, facing you, and puts her arms around your shoulders. “Make me come.”

 

“Okay.” You slide your hand up her thigh slowly and run your fingers against her over her panties, and you enjoy the soft gasp she makes. You watch her face closely, and she stares back at you. You push aside her panties and run your fingers through her. She gasps again with a slight rock of her hips. You continue to slowly soak your fingers, listening to the sounds she makes, and when she seems ready you press two fingers into her. She groans and her head falls back, and you start thrusting.

 

“Faster,” she pants. You go faster. You can’t take your eyes off of her. She isn’t quiet. “Faster!” She says again. You go faster. “Fuck, Trini, yes!” You’re moving in and out of her as hard and as fast as you can, because you know it’s how she wants it, and her sounds and the slick sounds coming from between you are surrounding you like a thick cloud. You lean in to kiss her throat softy. “Don’t.” 

 

You move your lips to her neck and bite her, and she moans louder. You bite and nip and suck all up and down her neck, and it’s fueling her on. She’s practically riding your hand now, and you don’t mind. Your free hand is on her back, holding her up, and you run your nails up and down it. “Don’t stop,” she gasps. You keep doing everything that you’re doing, and you start to circle your thumb hard against her clit. You feel her walls tightening against your fingers. “Another finger,” she says, barely audible between her moans. You don’t question it. You pull your fingers free and push back in with three. Her moan is so loud you’re sure the neighbors heard. She slamming into you now, her breasts bouncing in your face, but all you can look at is her own face. Her beauty, her ecstasy, it’s all too much for you. You close your eyes and curl your fingers up to reach further inside of her, and in moments she’s coming against you. Your fingers slow and ease her through her pleasure until you come to a stop. She stills before dropping forward with her head to your shoulder. You close your eyes at her closeness.

 

“Good?” You whisper.

 

“God...amazing,” she replies. “You’re amazing.”

 

You can’t keep it up any longer. You feel like you’re going to burst. “Kim...I can’t do this your way.”

 

She lifts her head and pulls back to look at you. “It’s the only way we’re doing it.”

 

“Maybe...we shouldn’t be. I don’t think....seeing each other before I leave is a good idea.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You don’t...feel anything about this? You don’t...feel all of the memories?” If she doesn’t, you want to know her secret. You’d like to forget.

 

She shoves your shoulder and climbs off of you. “Of course I do,” she snaps. “But my way helps me forget. Your way...suffocates me.” She curls her lip and sits away from you. “It’s like I said, you owe me.”

 

You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “This is really fucked up,” you say.

 

“ _ We’re _ really fucked up,” she replies. 

 

“How can you do this with me when you hate me?”

 

“Hate sex is hot. Plus...I mean, don’t let this go to your head, but you’re the best I’ve ever been with.” She shrugs. “Makes sense to me to get some use out of it.” She crawls across your bed to the side table and leans down to the bottom drawer. You let yourself gawk at her ass in the thong. She pops back up with something in her hand. “You’re so predictable. Same place you always kept it.”

 

And you know what she has. “Kim. No.” 

 

Kim grins and turns the vibrator on before crawling back over to you. “It’s my turn now,” she says, delight in her tone. Her other hand holds the lube and she starts applying it to the toy.

 

“Kim. You’re not listening to a thing I’m saying.”

 

“Blah blah, feelings, blah blah,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Do you want me to fuck you or not?”

 

And she looks so hot, and you’re so unbelievably wet and turned on. That seems to take priority in your mind, because you nod. She grins and moves closer and you lay back. She draws a finger up your thigh and you spread your legs for her. Her hand moves closer to where you want it. “Now who’s going slow?” You ask.

 

“Patience.” Her fingers make it between your legs and she runs them through you gently. You sigh and close your eyes. She tentatively slips two fingers into you and pumps them slowly. It’s torture. She keeps her pace until you’re moaning and begging for more, and then she withdraws them. You suddenly feel the buzzing between your legs as she adds more wetness to it, and then she’s easing it into you. You let out a low groan as your body adjusts to it. She stills it inside of you. “Is that okay?” She asks. And the care and softness that she puts into those words go directly to your heart like a dagger. As angry as she is, she’s still  _ your _ Kim. You nod. She starts to move the toy inside of you and you breathe through it. Then she’s moving it faster and the pleasure is hitting you piece by piece. 

 

“Oh...Kim…” you murmur. Your legs spread more and you feel her push it deeper, and you groan. “Not enough,” you say.

 

“Okay.” She turns the speed up halfway, and before much longer she has you writhing. It’s good, it’s so good, but it’s still not quite enough. ( But can she ever be enough? ) 

 

“Just...fuckin’...put it on high speed,” you pant. 

 

“Ooh, yes ma’am.” She does, and suddenly the pleasure is blinding. You’re panting and crying out softly, rocking your hips up. The vibrator is hammering inside of you, sending wave after wave of ecstasy through you, and then you feel her fingertips on your clit. Your long whine is sharp and your eyes are closed. She’s moving it inside of you like she knows exactly how to handle you; and she does. Then you feel it. That one good ache that sets off the rest. 

 

“I’m-I’m gonna…”

 

“I know,” she whispers above the buzzing. “I’ve got you.” 

 

As if that doesn’t give you feelings. But it’s enough for you, and you give in to the pleasure and let it take over, and soon you’re coming hard and long. It seems to take forever to pass, and you think she’s taking the vibrator out, but she pushes it back in and pumps it hard.

 

“K-Kim-” you try to protest, but your body is ready. Immediately, you come again. It’s not as long, but it feels just as good. Once you ride it out she takes the vibrator out of you and turns it off. You can’t move. Your body feels like putty. “Fuck,” you gasp.

 

“Did you like it?”

 

“God, yes, of course.” You still can’t move, but you open your eyes and look at her. She’s staring at you with an unreadable look in her eyes. “What?”

 

“I just like having the power for once,” she says lightly.

 

“Power? What? What are you talking about?” You slowly sit up and feel a head rush, but you try to keep your gaze on her.

 

She shrugs and tosses the toy aside. “You leave constantly; you have the power. I don’t like it.”

 

You’re not sure how to respond to that. You think for a moment, and when you open your mouth to say something she silences you by taking off her bra. She tosses it off the bed and quickly follows it by her thong. She’s stunning.

 

“Stop drooling,” she says, smirking. She moves up the bed against the pillows and lays down. “Come here.” You do. She pulls you down against herself and starts to kiss you. You’re only too happy to kiss her back, and the two of you lay together making out for a long time. Then hands start to roam, and thighs start to press into places, and you’re both panting and groaning into each other’s mouths. She flips you so that you’re beneath her, and she grinds down on you as you return to kissing. “So.” She kisses you. “Which.” More kisses. “Do you.” Even more kisses. “Want to do first?”

 

“You pick,” you whisper, pulling her lips back to yours. You feel her smile into the kiss and she leans in and whispers exactly what she wants in your ear, and you groan. “Yes please.”


End file.
